Thursday, March 13, 2014

Pandora's Box

'After 41 years in this body I am finally coming to a point where I believe I am the most honest and open that I have ever been. I am not done but I have made great progress.
One of the steps I think I reached a while ago is that I can be grossly honest about most things except my own feelings. I do not like to hurt - you or me actually.
So recently I have been venturing into the World of letting my emotions out. UGH!
I started with just allowing myself to be happy. Enjoying my life and doing things that bring me great joy.
I love the feeling of a smile or laugh that I physically can feel though my body not just in my face. A warm hearted smile is the best feeling ever.
The flip side to that is the other emotions. Fear, pain, embarrassment, uncertainty.
Ooooo, the dark side.
I have been really feeling the full run of emotions and I don't like it. I have cried on about 3 days out of this week and it is only Thursday. Yeah, we don't do that. That leads to the feelings of weakness.
I am trying to learn about myself to make the best of this life I am lucky enough to have but sometimes that is a killer. I can't just flow. I mean I am trying to and getting a lot better at it but it is funny how quickly that can revert back with one small event.
I am also looking for a reason why I feel these feelings. I have been putting them away for so long that I don't even know what normal is, how to normally react and if I am "doing it right".
Hahahahaha!!! Isn't that funny? Feelings are mine so it seems that there wouldn't be a "right" way. The right way would be whatever way I fucking want to do them. This isn't something you buy with an instruction booklet.
1.This is fear-act this way.
2.This is anger-act this way.
3.This is stupidity------this is what you are doing right now.

The feeling I want to feel is terror.
Terror because I am going to live this life whatever way I want and not worry about whether I am doing it right. I am not going to be concerned with how you feel about me. I am going to be ok with the people who leave my life because they aren't happy with my choices and I am going to feel honest love and joy for the people who love me just for who I am. Plain and simple.
I also need to always keep in mind that it is not always about me. Sometimes your reactions are about you. You are projecting your beliefs on me and I am accepting them. Why? I am not letting you come into my yard and plant the flowers you like and ignoring my own choices so why would I do it with your thoughts and feelings.
Yesterday a friend told me something that hurt my feelings immensely. I know she didn't mean to do it but I immediately wanted to crawl in a hole and then I went to how can I change it. I don't know how to. I am sort of aware I do it but not to the extent she explained it and am only aware of it because she told me about it a while ago. Since then I have really been trying to be a better listener and less of a talker but now that I am conscious of it I am just uncomfortable about it.  I also think this makes me seem like I don't care about the people I am talking with and that I only care about myself which is entirely not the case.
I have of course been trying to figure out why this hurts me so much and maybe that is it, maybe it is the fact that it makes me seem uncaring when I am the total opposite and generally put everyone else in the entire world above my own needs.
So here I am at the Blog of my life to sort through this mess.
My first gut reactions to this are to be angry, confront or run and retreat.
I know that runs the gamut of reactions but hell I am a hot mess this week.

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Race Results

09/07/07 Main Street Mile 11:44
05/18/08 YPD 5k 52:57 17:05
06/14/08 Walpole Village 5K 35:27 11:26
06/21/08 Mashpee Fun Run 34:21 11:05
07/19/08 Mashpee Woodlands 36.49 11:52
08/10/08 Falmouth Road Race 1:29:31
08/25/08 Women Running Wild 35:40 11:30
10/25/08 Mashpee Firefighters 37:47 12:10
05/02/09 Cape Abilities 5K 34:59 11:17
05/17/09 YPD 5K 36:41 11:50
08/09/09 Falmouth Road Race 7mi 1:37
10/31/09 Mashpee Firefighters 5K 37:15 12:00
09/11/11 Main Street Mile 12:31
10/29/11 Screech to the Beach 5K 39.13 12:20
08/12/12 Falmouth Road Race 1:34:24 13:29
05/18/14 YPD 5k 44.25 14:17
06/1/14 June Jog 4mi 1:04 16:00
08/17/14 Falmouth Road Race 1:42:04 14:35
09/27/14 Girly Girl 5K 37:24 12:02
10/26/14 Pell Bridge Run 4mi 48:41 12:10
11/27/14 Turkey Trot in VA 5K 35:22 11:23
12/06/14 Jingle Jog 5K 34:42 11:11
03/29/15 Thomas Guinta Memorial 5K 34:14 11:03
04/19/15 St. Margaret's 5K 31:11 10:21
05/17/15 YPD Blues 5K 34:58 11:17
06/07/15 Newport 10 Miler 1:56:09 11:36
06/20/15 Mackenzie's 5K 33:55 10:54
08/17/14 Falmouth Road Race 1:33:51 13:24
10/31/15 Screech at the Beach 36:19 11:40
5/20/18 YPD Run to Remember 37.37 12:08