Thursday, March 26, 2015

YOGA


Where do I even start? So a while back I found an article that was about finding hiking groups for women hikers in your area. This lead me to a website called Meet-up.
Turns out you can search for things you like to do and join groups. Those groups then post their activities on this website and you can jump on board whatever you would like.
I have joined 2 women's hiking groups and 1 Cape Cod hiking/walking group. Sadly most of the Southcoast groups hikes are Saturday mornings and I can't make those.
Well this group also does other things and you can set up a meet if you want to do something and members to join you.
Last week-Hot Yoga introduction class $13.
I have always wanted to try yoga and felt overwhelmed. I am thinking this gets me to a meet, I don't know anyone anyway and finally Why the Hell not?
I freaking loved it. It is hard but feels good. My brain leaves calm. My muscles are working but I am not in an obnoxious aerobics class. I seriously love it almost more for how it calms me and I am so relaxed when I leave. It's a dark room about 85 degrees. I have no idea what I am doing and I have to focus really hard on what she is saying so I know what the heck to do with my body. There is really no time to think about bullshit. I am basically trying not to fall on my ass.
After the intro class I decided to go back and try a regular class. It ended up being only myself and her niece. We definitely worked a little harder. I found some pictures of a few things we did. Part of the trouble for me is that I do not know the names of things so a dolphin or a cobra? No clue. I just close my eyes and listen to what she says with an occasional peek to see what the hell position she is in.
So last week she says let's try this Sun-Salutation. Ok, sure. We did 3 rounds of it. Looks easy but you try it. I'm sort of glad I found this photo because I still don't know what the heck to do before the cobra I think she called it an alligator but now I see it. LOL!

Oh and this below is the plow. First time I was like oh man this ass is going over and tried not to but then I find out I am supposed to go all the way over. Yeah, did that Tuesday night. My legs are not straight out yet but I think over time I can get stronger and more flexible but for now she says do what your body can do and it shouldn't hurt.

Sounds crazy but I like it. I also don't mind the drive. It's a little dance in the car time, I don't know any body and I love her voice.

Mystic Bowling

Goodness! I loaded the photos and never posted.
Teaticket School Mystic bowling. A great time and a date for Ava, Dinosaur Fufu and I. I decided to jump in on alley #5 because there were only 2 of us and had a super time. I love Bella and Kayla. I clearly need to work on my game because I got beat with the bumpers up. 
Hey it isn't about the win it's about the laughs!





Friday, March 20, 2015

Stab

This would be why I am not going to be angry but I will be happy when the stab in the heart feeling stops. Thank you FB block feature for assisting with this until I am ready. 

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Metaphorically Speaking

I completely understand this is a public blog. Any Tom, Dick or Mary can be reading but I sort of look at it like Post Secret. If I share my feelings they are set free for me to move on. I have in the past just started typing (like now) and things have just started to unfold. I wish all things were this easy but at least this is a start, like working on a knot. I am slowly untangling it.
I also have some terribly private issues to handle and they are just none of ya business so please bare with me while I work in code for a while. I mean I know I am sometimes terribly entertaining but this might be a good time to click Next Blog.
I recently have been hit with some stuff like questionable behavior of my Mom and the ending of pretty much the only relationship I have had since my divorce.
Normal every day crap. Ha! Funny, remember normal is all relative.
Now don't get me wrong I am not looking for pity. I had a friend who I shared things with and she would always end with Oh Jen, I am so sorry. First of all I am not sorry. Shit happens and some shit happens so better things can come. I also look at these things as a way to learn. Like running and not walking the hills. Hills make you stronger.
The bigger picture is how these things showed me bigger things.
Now time for the Metaphor:
I am always talking about how I want to clean my closets, basement and under my bed. My house may look in order when you walk in but under the bed is cluttered and my basement needs a serious douche.
So that is sort of what my life is right now. I may look together on the outside but my attic is cluttered and still filled with shit that just needs to go to the dump.
Let's talk about some of these issues.
Mom. I love her dearly but I also can not do one damn thing to prevent anything from happening. It is silly to think I can. It is her disease and I will help her in any way I can but I also need to do what I need to so I feel safe myself. I logically know these things but still have crippling anxiety when I think she is sliding. I am also exhausted of this cycle. She and I haven't been close lately but I just don't know how else to be. I can't worry all the time.
David. The funny thing about this is that it isn't him, I mean part of it is losing him and having the feeling that I was losing the last really close person I had. That is one part of it but as for the relationship itself, I really wanted more and have been thinking lately that it seems to have reached it's maturity. I just kept thinking there was something wrong with me for needing more and needing to ask. So why do I instantly go to What did I do wrong? I didn't do shit wrong. I was about the most authentic that I have ever been in my entire life. I didn't knock down all the walls but I really think that was because for a very long time I knew he wasn't in it full fledged himself. Whatever.
I really don't want to analyze that situation to much. It was a great experience. I had fun, I learned about myself and in the end that is what I said about a year ago. He was the only person who didn't need me for something. That was weird and difficult for me to understand. I don't attract independent men. They all need something.
As the stars would line up this also happens at a time where I am a little low on the supportive friend spectrum. That has been a big cavern in my life in the last year I would say. I have just gotten to a place where I no longer want to deal with fake, on my part or yours. The side effect of this is that you end up standing alone for a while, on an iceberg, floating away, thinking how the fuck am I getting back to shore?
So this is what I have decided. I am not going back to that shore, I am floating by myself for a while. Making myself better so that when I make it to the other shore I will be ready for wherever I land.
There is no doubt in my heart that I am destined to have this epic, incredible, blockbuster life. All I have to do is heal and let go and accept it.
I plan on doing what ever the hell makes me happy. Most of that is alone anyway. I have running to do, hiking places to explore, kids to grow and make smile and skin that needs to be tanned by the sun. In fact when I think about it I am a little frustrated that I don't have enough time or money to do all the things I want to.
I think I am being overly concerned about being alone just because right now I don't have a person who is willing to get up at 7am and drive to Wellesley to hike for 3-4 hour but truth be told I do that by myself just fine. I also don't want another person to run with me. I just rather it be me and my music. I much prefer my alone time at home too but that rarely happens anymore. So I will not shrivel up and die alone. I may engage in a few conversations with myself and getting a dog seems to be sounding like a pretty good idea right now.
In the last 5 years I have handled some big things. In the shadow of these big things is the lesson that they sometimes take time and I need to trust the process. I think my average on big life changes is that they take about a year. This is just another example of that.
Trust the process and believe in yourself.
Be a Badass. Not many people can.

Monday, March 16, 2015

Just me

I have never felt so alone in my life. Today I feel better but it still sucks.
After running some errands today I got distracted than was surprised to fine that the tightness in my chest wasn't there.
It's there but slight.
It's funny how you can juggle so many things and wear so many masks.
Tears when I am alone yet smiles when I am need to.
I'm trying to see the positive side. You are always reading how you can only truly be happy when you are happy alone. I plan on taking this class and acing it.

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Homework

After almost 5 years in therapy I was given homework. My head is a little busy right now so I am almost not even sure what the goal is but at least I feel like I am working on something. I am also glad I have 2 weeks. Sometimes the easiest questions are the toughest to answer.
What are my needs and what are my wants? Make a list......
1.
2.
3.

Race Results

09/07/07 Main Street Mile 11:44

05/18/08 YPD 5k 52:57 17:05

6/14/08 Walpole Village 5K 35:27 11:26

6/21/08 Mashpee Fun Run 34:21 11:05

7/19/08 Mashpee Woodlands 36.49 11:52

08/10/08 Falmouth Road Race 1:29:31

08/25/08 Women Running Wild 35:40 11:30

10/25/08 Mashpee Firefighters 37:47 12:10

05/02/09 Cape Abilities 5K 34:59 11:17

05/17/09 YPD 5K 36:41 11:50

08/09/09 Falmouth Road Race 7mi 1:37

10/31/09 Mashpee Firefighters 5K 37:15 12:00

09/11/11 Main Street Mile 12:31

10/29/11 Screech to the Beach 5K 39.13 12:20

8/12/12 Falmouth Road Race 1:34:24 13:29

5/18/14 YPD 5k 44.25 14:17

6/1/14 June Jog 4mi 1:04 16:00

8/17/14 Falmouth Road Race 1:42:04 14:35

9/27/14 Girly Girl 5K 37:24 12:02

10/26/14 Pell Bridge Run 4mi 48:41 12:10

11/27/14 Turkey Trot in VA 5K 35:22 11:23

12/06/14 Jingle Jog 5K 34:42 11:11