Tuesday, September 29, 2015

IDIOT!! I am such an idiot.

This is a regular phrase used by Ava and I have to say I really hate it. I try to correct her immediately. She is far from an idiot. 
What I find is this is used more when she has made a mistake. I try to explain how she is not an idiot but maybe we can learn from something. Tonight was a great example of this. 
Ava has had a lifelong issue with crazy hair. It has lead to us buying sprays,shampoos, heavy conditioner, and even special pillow cases. Her father and I have lost our patience and threatened to cut her hair off. I no longer apply to this idea. We need to help her maintain hair she really wants to keep long. Well she has also taken this responsibility pretty seriously. In doing so she started conditioning her hair and brushing it in the shower as she thinks this helps keep it untangled. Tonight she calls for my help and I find she instead used a comb and it is deeply tangled in her hair. After wrapping her up to keep her warm I begin to try and extract this comb. I even cut the comb itself in an effort to save her hair. Unfortunately after 45 minutes she is crying, hating herself and we make the decision to cut the comb out of her hair. It broke my heart. I did everything I could to save as much hair as I could and in the end as I brushed out the last knots I felt better about it as she still has bangs left past her nose. 

The point of this long post? 
How do you learn and teach that it is okay to make mistakes? To make wrong decisions? To fuck up?
Especially if you were thinking this was a good decision at the time and you were doing it with good intentions. 
I have spent a great deal of my life afraid to make a mistake. Afraid to not have the right answer. To let people down.
But in reality if you don't make mistakes or take a chance how do you learn? 
I was recently told by someone that they knew I was making a mistake. They knew I was making a horrible choice and they knew I was going to get hurt. 
My thought is now this. Did I learn something from this? Yes. Did it hurt? Yes, but I can now make better choices in my life because I did it and learned. Also not everything you do turns out bad and if you never try stuff how will you find the really cool stuff. 
People have not agreed with a lot of things that I do. If I didn't do them just because another person told me it wasn't a good choice I may not have found some great things that I now love. 
So I explained to Ava that she was not an idiot but she was being a big kid and trying to manage her hair on her own. Guess what we learned? Maybe a comb isn't going to be a good tool for that. Now we know. Also hair grows so this isn't permanent damage and it will grow back. 
For me, learning this lesson is turning out to be a little harder. I still have flashback feelings of being an idiot for some of the choices I have made and that is hard. 
I am so sick of that. 
I am sick of thinking about it.
Sick of feeling dumb.
So from now on we make all decisions with our best intentions. Trying to do what is best for ourselves. Trusting our gut. Some will be good and some will be not so good but we will learn from both.
No self hate.
No feeling stupid.
Living a life that is as honest to myself as possible. 

Thursday, September 3, 2015

Another Epiphany

So this or it's cousin is my epiphany. 
I am laying in the dark with my bed full of the girls. I am not ready for bed but they are so I am "resting". Sometimes your best thinking can be done at these twilight times. As I always do I will start with the longwinded backstory. ( I swear I was from Mississippi in a past life)
Over this week Olivia has helped me with small projects as we get ready for school.
Clean out the shoe bin and get the shoes no longer worn out!
Clean out the hair and make up drawer (yes, that is a job in a chick filled house).
Match socks and happily walk over to the trash and throw away everything that was left.
These things all feel like a small win to me. Like I just saved 5 bucks towards a million.
I had to travel to the basement tonight and while opening a few tubs I found stuff that I seriously know is 25 years old. OK, like why? Do I really want to move this shit with me for the rest of my life?
And then I just thought I would throw away 50% of that basement if I had the means.
If it was a good memory I will always have that so why do I need the stuff? If it was a bad memory than saving the physical crap is just a weight anchoring me down.
I collected Volkswagens. I love them, you know it, but what am I really going to do with a bookshelf of car replicas? When you are 20, they are in the living room of your first apartment. Cool!  When you are 42 they are in a large tub, maybe 2 collecting spiders.  
I am ready I think to take the plunge. I think this month will hopefully be the one. If the kids are in school and I can get some lighting, trash bags and music I will unload.
I use the word unload but don't be fooled by its 4 letter 1 dimensional look because it can be a very deep word.
I want to live a very rich and full life and sadly I have been living a watered down and overloaded life. I am starting to feel like this is another piece to the process and I am a little excited.

Monday, August 31, 2015

This Vacation was brought to you by Blue Cross and Blue Shield

So hey guess what? A stomach ache isn't always just a bug. Sometimes it's an organ that needs to be evicted. I mean this is sort of crazy that like 9 months ago I had stomach pain and walked into a hernia surgery so when I walked in and was told could be your appendix I seriously looked at her like WTF? Start prepping for the CT and I'll call for transport. 
I will say that I was happy to hear Dr. Kruger was working so the whole process was quick. I arrived at Tobey hospital and was met by 3 nurses. I was checked in financially, medically and the 3rd took 6 tubes of blood all at the same time. By the time I walked to the bathroom and back I was ready to head for a CT Scan. 
Dr Kruger walked in shortly after that test and said I'm calling in the team you need to have the appendix out. From this moment on I was called a Lap Appy. I wish I felt as cute as the name but I do not. I have had only a few periods where the pain is completely managed since Friday. That alone is exhausting. 
But this time they took so much better care of me. I had the room to myself. I had a beautiful view of the sun going down and the Full moon coming up. I was trying to dig out the positives trust me. I mean no need to be all sorry-shit happens, body parts break. I am grateful I have insurance, a good surgeon and I got help just as it was perforating. I hear it gets really bad when it bursts.

Luckily Nana and Chelsea were available to hold down the fort and Aunt Cindy took them so they didn't miss their concert Sunday night. I am very lucky to have a good family. Ava sent me some I love you videos from her and her sisters so this was my response photo. Cute right?

This roast beef may not look that great but after a couple days of full liquids it becomes the greatest delicacy in the USA. It needed to be celebrated and photographed.

So I am home now and resting but sadly my house is a mess, my lawn is a foot tall and school starts in a week and I can't drive until Friday. Sound familiar? Yes, the last medical "adventure" occurred the week before Christmas. I am still having trouble controlling the pain so I can't overdue anything it just hurts too much but hoping tomorrow will be the beginning of the turn around.

Friday, August 21, 2015

Water Wizz

First words out of my mouth-Are you friggin' kidding me? Yeah, girls I think we are going home. The line was out to the street and we were parking in Tibuktu and walking back to join it. I could see nothing correct about this but as the kids both from the back seat say "Ok Mom" in quiet voices I am thinking Fuck.....I am in that line. 
Well as you can see we made it in. Once they opened the line moved relatively fast-1 hour but I learned some things. Buy tickets online and go at like 9am even though they open at 10. Oh and rent a tube. $5 and you can cut a lot of lines.  

These kids had fun and this kid below had fun. We hiked it over to Wendy's and brought back lunch and spent about 5-6 hours in the hot sun. I was very grateful Erin put her name on the waiting list so we also scored a Cabana. This allowed up a shady meeting plate when needed.
Crazy as this sounds we are headed back there Monday with different friends.

43rd Falmouth Road Race

As soon as I walked in the door I smiled. I can't explain it but I like races and this is by far my favorite. I think they do an excellent job with the amount of people racing. I am also a little partial to the route in my hometown being so beautiful. 
This year was my fifth year and will definitely not be my last. 

So excited to have found these great people in all of the crowds. They are my support team that keep me believing I can do anything I want and I am the pain in the ass that talks them into re-signing up year after year.

Oh and run with a few others. Like 12,000. This picture doesn't really do it justice. I would say this was an hour before start and still people were being bussed in.

I maybe should have looked at this photo a few time along the route because there were times after mile 3 where I clearly "Did not have it". I was losing the battle against lack of sleep and the heat for sure. It was one of the hottest Road races and maybe ever race I have done. I was feeling the pressure and decided if I planned on finishing I needed to get back ahead of it so I doubled every water stop. I hit every hose along the route to stay cool too. By the 5th mile I actually was thinking I might need medical at the end but fuck if I was going to quit I would rather pass out attempting to finish. Around mile 6,  I walked and was feeling pretty defeated as I realized I would not be beating my best time ever. I was completely on track for that about 2 months ago. Although I swore I was competing to complete and I was forgiving myself for this lack of running and struggle with work I will wanted to beat myself.
Just at the bottom of the last hill this lady came up on my side and we were able to speak for a few minutes. We were doing it and I was kind of excited to have her there and hear her encouragement. You have to run and smile that last hill that is where they take your picture!!

In the end We did it and we did it well.
I did not beat my fastest time but I came in 2nd and beat last years time by 9 minutes. As usual it just made me want more. When is the next race you ask?? September for sure and then on from there.
This is the view from my post race relaxation seat and it was much deserved. After a cold shower I jumped on the boat with my friend and her family an we headed to Oak Bluffs. Can I just say I miss a boat ride? I think it has been a couple years since I was out of a boat. Can't beat it.
We scarfed down food, swam, laughed, rode back to the bay in Waquoit for calmer water, ate again and watched the sun go down.
Dreamy and a perfect day for me.

Saturday, August 15, 2015

I miss my Life

Remember this heading photo on Facebook? 
I barely do. These were my 3 loves. 
I talked about yoga like a new boyfriend.
I ran up hills like a warrior.
I hiked to find peace.
I feel flabby, tired and passionless. I am waiting though. I will be back and I need to have patience.
Sadly realizing today is exactly 50% of the way through hell. & weeks down and 7 weeks to go. 
Yesterday I did go to pick up my Falmouth Road race number. I felt the stir as soon as I walked into the gym and under the Welcome Runners banner. I will participate as Runner 11262. I may not kill my time as I had expected to when I signed up but I will do my best. I have run this race before with no training so although I haven't run in 1 month I was in the best condition I have ever been in. I also run heavily on Spirit and this race is full of it. 
In the past this race has also been the catapult into my Fall running so if I try to put a positive spin on things I am actually right on time. Last year I was not running at all but after "running" the Road Race I started the Couch to 5K again. At the completion of that I ran the Pells Bridge Race (4 miles) and then the Newport 10 miler in June. All while taking a month off for hernia surgery and recovery and a month off to shovel snow. 
I am not sure if I am convincing you or me but the point is I have come back many times since starting my running career 7 years ago and I will do it again. 
In reality is will all come back in time. 
There is a Hot Yoga studio 10 minutes from my house. Just need to put the nerves about that away and show up. 
Hiking will continue when school starts again.Easy Peasy.
This schedule just needs to be handled and there is no other way but to chug along. Forgive yourself the shortcomings in other areas. I might be a zombie but I have spent some really good time with the kids and have a few stretches of 5 days off to finish off the Summer. 

Sunday, August 9, 2015

White Knuckling

A friend of mine posted in an online group I am a part of that she was messaged and attacked by a woman for being overweight yet pushing us to eat clean, take vitamins and drink water. She actually called her a liar. I call her a realist. 
This, in my current emotional state, pissed me off probably more than it should have but it also prompted some inner thought for me. 
I have been hanging on by a thread most days. I get close to normal for my days off and then I am back to the dredges of Hell come Monday which is essentially my Friday. This weekend is one of the worst. 
In any case I am sitting here thinking which I have had so much trouble with lately-clear thinking is not so easy right now. 
I think I am just trying to live. I know that may sound dramatic but I mean it in the most simplistic way actually. I have been toying around with this thought and not sure what it means and not sure I am ready to do it completely but I believe it is a process that I must start. 
For example-I am trying to eat healthy but worried if am I eating a rainbow, enough fiber, the wrong type of diet, too much butter, too much bacon? Sigh, a magazine article can cause me to feel overwhelmed . Must buy Kale!!!
I am not running enough, what is a fartlek and why aren't I going to track training to learn? 
Why are you not the Superhero that media says you should be to be a great Mom? 
Am I explaining it clearly? Not sure but what I am getting at is I believe it is time for me to learn and really believe that I am already a Superhero in my own little world even if I am not a super athlete, not a very good vampire or if I have a donut in my hand. I am not a failure if I ebb and flow in this life. I make the rules. 
Funny but just as I believe Facebook is the bane to my existence I also follow some pages that inspire me. 
This is what I just found there. 

Race Results

09/07/07 Main Street Mile 11:44
05/18/08 YPD 5k 52:57 17:05
06/14/08 Walpole Village 5K 35:27 11:26
06/21/08 Mashpee Fun Run 34:21 11:05
07/19/08 Mashpee Woodlands 36.49 11:52
08/10/08 Falmouth Road Race 1:29:31
08/25/08 Women Running Wild 35:40 11:30
10/25/08 Mashpee Firefighters 37:47 12:10
05/02/09 Cape Abilities 5K 34:59 11:17
05/17/09 YPD 5K 36:41 11:50
08/09/09 Falmouth Road Race 7mi 1:37
10/31/09 Mashpee Firefighters 5K 37:15 12:00
09/11/11 Main Street Mile 12:31
10/29/11 Screech to the Beach 5K 39.13 12:20
08/12/12 Falmouth Road Race 1:34:24 13:29
05/18/14 YPD 5k 44.25 14:17
06/1/14 June Jog 4mi 1:04 16:00
08/17/14 Falmouth Road Race 1:42:04 14:35
09/27/14 Girly Girl 5K 37:24 12:02
10/26/14 Pell Bridge Run 4mi 48:41 12:10
11/27/14 Turkey Trot in VA 5K 35:22 11:23
12/06/14 Jingle Jog 5K 34:42 11:11
03/29/15 Thomas Guinta Memorial 5K 34:14 11:03
04/19/15 St. Margaret's 5K 31:11 10:21
05/17/15 YPD Blues 5K 34:58 11:17
06/07/15 Newport 10 Miler 1:56:09 11:36
06/20/15 Mackenzie's 5K 33:55 10:54