Sunday, January 25, 2015

Evolving




I am a part of a support group online for Weight Loss Surgery people that had surgery more than 3 years ago. 3 years seems to be a magic time when the weight isn't just falling off and real life is just coming back into the equation. I remember when I realized it and then my own life imploded. I decided to get therapy, feel all these feelings and focus on healing. I gained 40 lbs in the process but it needed to happen. Well not need but I had to focus on my family and so I went back to the things I know soothed me and I put myself to bed many nights in a food coma. I'm an addict of sorts so if it wasn't alcohol, it was frosted. 
Fast forward to a woman who is coming up on her 8 year anniversary. I have 35 of the 40 lbs off and just today started a plan to run a 10 mile race on June 7th. 
So back to this group. Seems like everyone is battling this self hate. Ugly body. I would be beautiful if only....
The same statements that were probably made before they had surgery. After I lost  135 lbs I still didn't think I was beautiful or worth any thing. So how is a flat stomach and perk boobies going to do that? 
Now flash to today. I had a conversation with a man and it was interesting. I heard what he had to say and talked freely about my body like I never have. I am really becoming okay with it. I mean I am working on a goal because I want to get strong both physically and mentally. My belly isn't going to go away and in fact as the exercise helps me lose weight the boobies get worse but I get better. 
I heal. 
I came upon this photo and it struck me that this is exactly true for me. Running is just as important therapy as appointments where I talk. I work things out in my head. My body gets stronger and I prove to myself that I can do what ever crazy crap I put my mind to and in return I learn that I am worth a lot, like a ton. I have settled for what this life has handed me and just sucked it up but I don't have to do that. I can say No, thank you and pass. I need, want and will have better. It's like running hills, I may have to work hard, bear down and breath hard but I will get there. 
I am happy to feel myself change and evolve and become a healthier person. Today was just one of those days where I recognized it as maybe moving to the next level. 

Saturday, January 24, 2015

Inspiration


So I spent the crazy 7 bucks and put this together. It is the 20 weeks of training. It is a board to write crap like this saying that I woke up to. I need to remember these things. My body can get stronger but my mind can talk me into or out of all kinds of stuff. Amazing really. 
I doubled the plan up because I think this Winter that finally arrived is going to make the start a little rough. I hate treadmill running but I will do it if I have to. I just don't know how people run 4-5 miles on one. By the time I reach that distance I should be out of the icy season.
I am also using this Sunday as the day I need to up the ante again with the food. Clean up your act Berry. I need some money in the bank and I want to bulk up my Protein powder and get a few more dry staples to have. I am thinking when and if I get this into full swing I am going to be hungry and I need good energy. 
So tomorrow I am planning on documenting weight, measurements and some photos in my journal. 
That way I can see or read the changes that my brain fights so hard not to see. 
P.S. I can't wait to get my tax refund. I am hoping after catching up on bills to pick up some new running gear. Squeeee!!!!


Wednesday, January 21, 2015

3 day weekend

Adventure, what are we going to do?
My girls vote Skyzone. The Dudley boys have never been so we scooped them up too. 
Of course of all the places to eat these kids pick McDonald's. We drove like 70 miles to eat at a Mcdonald's. BUT MOM!!!! It has a playground. Crazy kids.
Bad News-We were not the only ones who thought Skyzone was a good idea so when we arrived at 3pm we were told they weren't taking anymore jumpers until 5pm. Damn. 
Re-routing.
We passed this place on the way and so plan B came into effect.
Monster Mini golf. Still fun and cheap. Not sure I would have driving to providence only for this but they seemed to have fun and I was home by dinner.


Monday we pooled it. Alone.
What happens when you work an overnight shift and are trying to catch a nap when your family calls with the plan?
You miss the location.
We swam at the Holiday Inn.
They all swam at the Falmouth Inn.
D'oh!
We had fun and the pool was full of kids.


Once we got home I made a deal. Shower, pajamas and snack and we can fit a game in before bed.
No sleep Mama had a little trouble with the instructions but soon we were all set. Fibber is a cute game.

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Oh, we are doin' this!

I am not allowing myself not to try this time. I have talked about this forever and I am thinking I am afraid of failing so let's break that down.
Can I fail? Not really.
Can I not reach my goal? Yes, but will I be better than I am right now? Absolutely.
So really why not just do it.
I am prepping for the next week.
That will mean I start the week of January 25th.
I need some charts, numbers and ideas written down so I know where I am going and where I have been. That is pretty much what I am doing now.
I need some strength work and I don't want to make it crazy but would love it if I can do it without a gym. I have about 6 exercises I think will cover the general things I want to do. Maybe down the line I will add to it but for now let's stay basic.
I have a training plan for 10 weeks which I would like to stretch out a few weeks. I am thinking I will do the first 2-3 weeks 2 times to build a good base as my running has been erratic with the surgery and the weather.
I need a cross train exercise and my ideas are:
Stationary bike indoor for the crappy weather days
Walking-kid friendly
Hiking-because I love it!
Swimming-kid friendly and works your ass off.
I think I will move the week around so that the long runs are my day off too. Trying to make this as livable as possible.
So the big goal is to run 10 miles and enter the Newport 10 Miler June 7th. It is 140 days away according to their website and I will be there.
http://www.newport10miler.com/
Ok, I just said it. Scared but so excited.

Thursday, January 8, 2015

F.E.A.R.

Funny to say because the impression I get from people is they think I am tough and have none. Truth is I am scared most of the time.
In particular I am afraid to speak my mind. I know, I know, you think that is bullshit but really it's true.
I can tell you 15 ways from Sunday the dead pan truth about so many things except when it comes to my personal needs.  Strange.
I think it is getting better and I really think when some of these last doors I have locked open my life will change dramatically but at this point I am still trying keys and none have worked.
Today I had to contact my landlord and I am beside myself with anxiety. I am behind on my rent and I just feel like I am in no position to ask them for anything but the furnace issues are just getting worse to the point that the radiators aren't even warming up upstairs and it was 59 this morning. I understand it is a record cold day but it seems if the thermostat is at 68 I should be burning oil like a hurricane to try to attain that. Nope. Downstairs was a balmy 62.
Out loud I think I am behind but I have a right to have heat.
In my belly I feel like a knot that could tie up a cruise ship.
I have sent the text just curious about the furnace and now I wait.
I do this in personal relationships too. I am practicing the don't ask, don't tell philosophy. LOL! I know that will help me get a good solid relationship right?
Well hopefully this year will afford me some more growing because I have some so far but still have road to go.

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

A negative + a negative doesn't make a positive.

I know I am doing it wrong I just am so frustrated right now.
I am so sick of the negative feed back in my house. I love the kids and have seen so many things that show they have big hearts, love their family and want to be happy but then out pops the negative shit. Mostly Ava.
Doing homework or math on the computer. That is a battle. Like just fucking do it. It needs to be done so do it. I am asking repeatedly, sitting there with you, cajoling, reminding, redirecting.....
Finally I am just done.
You know what?
I fucking know how to read, that 8X7=56, about Christopher Columbus, the planets in the solar system, and I graduated high school. I don't need to do it again.
I also didn't dirty all these dishes, wear all these clothes or make this mess but I clean it all because I love you and it is my job.
I am not expecting them to do all this stuff alone but I would like to not have it always be a battle.
So when I have reached the end of my patience I just yell.

Because you need to.
Because I would like you to be responsible adults.
Because I would like you to graduate High School and get a good job.
Because you have to do shit you don't want to do in life so suck it up.
Because I fucking told you to.

All fantastic things ( read sarcastically) for a Mother to think about her children but it is what I have going on in my head.
Compound that with the fact that after I lose my shit I feel like an asshole. I send them to bed or school with my aggravation and tears.
Awesome Jennifer, just fucking awesome.
So today I come to a job that can be somewhat stressful and my mind is harping on this problem.
What can I do to fix this?
I have done the reward thing but can't keep up with it and they don't care. I threaten to take away TV or computer but that only happens once I have lost my shit once again.
Mostly it's the words. The shitty responses that I just can't take anymore.
I am working my ass off to make this life and you respond with Well Great about some trivial little thing like being out of lemonade and stomping away.
I want to smack that shit right out of your mouth.....but I don't.

I can't teach respect if I am off the handle. I understand that but I am just tired of the battle.
I am tired of you speaking to me like shit.
Rest your will my friend because it starts again in 3 hours.

Part of spending all day making this post has let me think about what I have written, calm down and try to regroup. I need to make a plan that is followable. I like to say we will jump off this cliff starting now....yeah, I can't keep that up.
Maybe change the password to the computer. I need to know when you have signed it and you get 30 minutes not including math practice. Hey wait a minute I like that idea. You can earn extra minutes by reading. Ok let's not get carried away but it is a good idea.
I think also although they hate it homework needs to be done right away, when medication is still in board. 6pm and after is just a shit show.
That is not their fault but mine to maintain.
Add another ball to my juggling act.

Monday, January 5, 2015

First Date with Mom


Today was the first Mom date. Olivia and I went out to breakfast at Persey's Place. It was her suggestion. 
I ended up leaving the Mom date coupons blank for this reason. I wanted to leave it open and their choice. 

The part that was cool was the conversation.
We have a project going on to make sort of Inspiration Boards so we used our time to plan where she wanted to hang hers and what she wanted to do with it. Yesterday She found a frame she liked and we painted the glass with chalk board paint and reframed it. She loves it and has written in it many times today. 

It is easy to get caught up in daily life-homework, meals, work, cleaning, laundry, manners, life lessons and you don't get to just listen to them. 
I hope this helps. I am trying. 

Race Results

09/07/07 Main Street Mile 11:44

05/18/08 YPD 5k 52:57 17:05

6/14/08 Walpole Village 5K 35:27 11:26

6/21/08 Mashpee Fun Run 34:21 11:05

7/19/08 Mashpee Woodlands 36.49 11:52

08/10/08 Falmouth Road Race 1:29:31

08/25/08 Women Running Wild 35:40 11:30

10/25/08 Mashpee Firefighters 37:47 12:10

05/02/09 Cape Abilities 5K 34:59 11:17

05/17/09 YPD 5K 36:41 11:50

08/09/09 Falmouth Road Race 7mi 1:37

10/31/09 Mashpee Firefighters 5K 37:15 12:00

09/11/11 Main Street Mile 12:31

10/29/11 Screech to the Beach 5K 39.13 12:20

8/12/12 Falmouth Road Race 1:34:24 13:29

5/18/14 YPD 5k 44.25 14:17

6/1/14 June Jog 4mi 1:04 16:00

8/17/14 Falmouth Road Race 1:42:04 14:35

9/27/14 Girly Girl 5K 37:24 12:02

10/26/14 Pell Bridge Run 4mi 48:41 12:10

11/27/14 Turkey Trot in VA 5K 35:22 11:23

12/06/14 Jingle Jog 5K 34:42 11:11