These are the feelings I have been processing since finding out that my dad passed away. I have waited to post anything and focused my time on grieving.
Shocked doesn't even begin to describe the feeling when I was first told.
I did not have a great relationship with my dad and now there was no way to fix that. Confusion over the feelings of doing the best I could do and still not succeeding in this.
I also, even though it had been a while since I last spoke to him, have now lost him forever.
He may not have been a great dad but I believe he did the best that he could.
I traveled to NH for his services. They were cut and dried just as he had asked for and just what I could handle. He wanted no service, a party and to be thrown in the ocean. Crass as that may sound-it sounded exactly to me like something he would have said.
Linda decided to have a service and I am glad she did-it was more for us to say good bye. The Navy came and handed her the flag and thanked her for his service. That was tough but I appreciated that. He talked about Vietnam and the Navy often.
After this we proceeded to the party he requested. There was a Italian buffet down the road and this is what I was looking forward to. I know that may sound uncaring but it was quit the opposite. We talked with his family, some of which I don't ever remember meeting. I wanted that. I wanted to hear about my dad's life outside of what my memories were and I laughed. I really needed to laugh.
We looked at pictures and shared stories and I learned about him and myself.
I had always known the bad stuff and really didn't want to repeat those things.
I left learning some good stuff and decided those memories should be what I keep in my heart.
I am a bold, honest woman and I really found out that I got that from my dad. People laughed and said you always knew what he was thinking and he would tell you right out his opinions. Um, that is exactly me.
I was told I look exactly like my Mom did in her 30's. That made me smile.
It was a long day full of a lot of different emotions but as my sister and I hit Boston I looked at her and realized I felt good. I was guilty at first for feeling good on the way home from his funeral and that seemed wrong but in reality I actually had finally embraced my Dad. Although he is no longer here with us I know he is firmly in my heart and I have definitely passed him onto Ava.
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