Saturday, April 14, 2012

Regret, sadness and out of chances

These are the feelings I have been processing since finding out that my dad passed away. I have waited to post anything and focused my time on grieving.
Shocked doesn't even begin to describe the feeling when I was first told.
I did not have a great relationship with my dad and now there was no way to fix that. Confusion over the feelings of doing the best I could do and still not succeeding in this.
I also, even though it had been a while since I last spoke to him, have now lost him forever.
He may not have been a great dad but I believe he did the best that he could.
I traveled to NH for his services. They were cut and dried just as he had asked for and just what I could handle. He wanted no service, a party and to be thrown in the ocean. Crass as that may sound-it sounded exactly to me like something he would have said.
Linda decided to have a service and I am glad she did-it was more for us to say good bye. The Navy came and handed her the flag and thanked her for his service. That was tough but I appreciated that. He talked about Vietnam and the Navy often.
After this we proceeded to the party he requested. There was a Italian buffet down the road and this is what I was looking forward to. I know that may sound uncaring but it was quit the opposite. We talked with his family, some of which I don't ever remember meeting. I wanted that. I wanted to hear about my dad's life outside of what my memories were and I laughed. I really needed to laugh.
We looked at pictures and shared stories and I learned about him and myself.
I had always known the bad stuff and really didn't want to repeat those things.
I left learning some good stuff and decided those memories should be what I keep in my heart.
I am a bold, honest woman and I really found out that I got that from my dad. People laughed and said you always knew what he was thinking and he would tell you right out his opinions. Um, that is exactly me.
I was told I look exactly like my Mom did in her 30's. That made me smile.
It was a long day full of a lot of different emotions but as my sister and I hit Boston I looked at her and realized I felt good. I was guilty at first for feeling good on the way home from his funeral and that seemed wrong but in reality I actually had finally embraced my Dad. Although he is no longer here with us I know he is firmly in my heart and I have definitely passed him onto Ava.

No comments:

Race Results

09/07/07 Main Street Mile 11:44
05/18/08 YPD 5k 52:57 17:05
06/14/08 Walpole Village 5K 35:27 11:26
06/21/08 Mashpee Fun Run 34:21 11:05
07/19/08 Mashpee Woodlands 36.49 11:52
08/10/08 Falmouth Road Race 1:29:31
08/25/08 Women Running Wild 35:40 11:30
10/25/08 Mashpee Firefighters 37:47 12:10
05/02/09 Cape Abilities 5K 34:59 11:17
05/17/09 YPD 5K 36:41 11:50
08/09/09 Falmouth Road Race 7mi 1:37
10/31/09 Mashpee Firefighters 5K 37:15 12:00
09/11/11 Main Street Mile 12:31
10/29/11 Screech to the Beach 5K 39.13 12:20
08/12/12 Falmouth Road Race 1:34:24 13:29
05/18/14 YPD 5k 44.25 14:17
06/1/14 June Jog 4mi 1:04 16:00
08/17/14 Falmouth Road Race 1:42:04 14:35
09/27/14 Girly Girl 5K 37:24 12:02
10/26/14 Pell Bridge Run 4mi 48:41 12:10
11/27/14 Turkey Trot in VA 5K 35:22 11:23
12/06/14 Jingle Jog 5K 34:42 11:11
03/29/15 Thomas Guinta Memorial 5K 34:14 11:03
04/19/15 St. Margaret's 5K 31:11 10:21
05/17/15 YPD Blues 5K 34:58 11:17
06/07/15 Newport 10 Miler 1:56:09 11:36
06/20/15 Mackenzie's 5K 33:55 10:54
08/17/14 Falmouth Road Race 1:33:51 13:24
10/31/15 Screech at the Beach 36:19 11:40