Sunday, April 22, 2012

I am feeling I don't know what today.
Uninspired, stagnant, a little lonely and bland.
For some reason today I have this incredible feeling that I want to create, cook, design, love, garden, just something.
I started packing some boxes but the only thing on my mind is unpacking, where is everything going to go? I want to decorate my space. I want to love it and have it be mine. Maybe that is part of it-this no longer feels like my space. It is like living in a Motel or someone elses house. I don't want what I have here. It is only going to get worse as I pack more boxes but it needs to be done. My logical side is saying "Pull up your big girl pants woman!" but for some reason my emotional side is flexing it's muscles as well. I don't like emotion.
Today I sold some yard blocks on Craig's List and as I helped him load them into his truck I looked around my neglected yard. Why weed? Why plant? I really need to get some pots and dig up the plants I want to take with me. Lillies, hydrangeas and roses. They are mine and I worked hard on them for the last 6 years and I refuse to leave them behind. I do not want to start completely fresh I want to continue with the things I love.
Speaking of love, today I am on this crazy thought train. I am emotionally a puzzle even to myself. I need to be tough for the kids, life and work. I can bottle feelings up and put them on the shelf like BBQ sauce. I just don't want to do that anymore.  Today I just want to be in stupid crazy love, like have a crush, like I am 20 years old. I want to be dying to hear from you. I want to laugh and walk holding hands. I want to be kissed. I want to trust and feel safe. I don't want to worry about opening myself up and being hurt. I want to be able to be afraid. I just don't think that exists.
I was once told Life is not a Disney movie. Good God, I wish it could be.

As I re-read this, I have to laugh at myself.  I can put this out there on a public blog but could never say these words directly from my lips.
Don't ever ask me, I will deny knowing what you are talking about.

Now we put all that away and go back to my regularly scheduled life.

1 comment:

Barry said...

I think sometimes we box up more than we should. Hang in there, you. Tomorrow is another day. Let's hope it gets here sooner.

Race Results

09/07/07 Main Street Mile 11:44
05/18/08 YPD 5k 52:57 17:05
06/14/08 Walpole Village 5K 35:27 11:26
06/21/08 Mashpee Fun Run 34:21 11:05
07/19/08 Mashpee Woodlands 36.49 11:52
08/10/08 Falmouth Road Race 1:29:31
08/25/08 Women Running Wild 35:40 11:30
10/25/08 Mashpee Firefighters 37:47 12:10
05/02/09 Cape Abilities 5K 34:59 11:17
05/17/09 YPD 5K 36:41 11:50
08/09/09 Falmouth Road Race 7mi 1:37
10/31/09 Mashpee Firefighters 5K 37:15 12:00
09/11/11 Main Street Mile 12:31
10/29/11 Screech to the Beach 5K 39.13 12:20
08/12/12 Falmouth Road Race 1:34:24 13:29
05/18/14 YPD 5k 44.25 14:17
06/1/14 June Jog 4mi 1:04 16:00
08/17/14 Falmouth Road Race 1:42:04 14:35
09/27/14 Girly Girl 5K 37:24 12:02
10/26/14 Pell Bridge Run 4mi 48:41 12:10
11/27/14 Turkey Trot in VA 5K 35:22 11:23
12/06/14 Jingle Jog 5K 34:42 11:11
03/29/15 Thomas Guinta Memorial 5K 34:14 11:03
04/19/15 St. Margaret's 5K 31:11 10:21
05/17/15 YPD Blues 5K 34:58 11:17
06/07/15 Newport 10 Miler 1:56:09 11:36
06/20/15 Mackenzie's 5K 33:55 10:54
08/17/14 Falmouth Road Race 1:33:51 13:24
10/31/15 Screech at the Beach 36:19 11:40