How quickly the tide turns

1st and most importantly I would like to say how invaluable my Mom and sister are in my life. They are the "morning crew" that takes over with the kids when I leave for work at 7:30. I try to get most of it done but they are left with the tough parts: the fight to brush hair and teeth; getting coats, boots, gloves and hats on and to the bus stop. Today there was no school so the plans had changed and I had to be on the road at 7am to drop them off at daycare and Kids club. I just want to say Thank you as I do not know how parents do this everyday without great helpers.
So why am I feeling so blue, well I think I am doing pretty good with this whole thing called life. I was pretty stressed out about the change today as it was vital that I get to work on time and get them where they needed to go. To start, at 6am I am awoken by my oldest daughter who needed to tell me how great it was that Cassidy has a Dad and that Daddy was Cassidy's Mom's boyfriend. That is awesome honey. Whoopie! In my head I am thinking-Damn, I am not awake enough for this shit yet. For some reason I have yet to learn-it is just great in her head to have 2 Dad's and 2 Mom's. Quite the opposite of what my life ambition was but I will ask about this at parenting class. I just would like to know where she is coming from so I can understand. I may not have to like it but if I know why, I can deal with it better.
As I am making my 2nd drop off I see Olivia's lunch box-Yup, I have time to GO BACK FROM WHERE I JUST WAS! Why not!
I finally get here on time and am happy to find a quiet day ahead as long as people stay on their best behavior around here. Good, I could use the break.
But the quiet affords me the time to think. What is coming up lately is that I feel like I am lying to them. I really told myself when all of this happened I would do my best not to promise what I can't deliver and I wouldn't lie to them. I am learning that the 2nd part isn't all that easy. Lying to them is part of what needs to be done. I mean I can't exactly look in my 7 year old's eyes and say yes, Cassidy's Mom is the one who took Daddy from you. Thank her next time you see her. I remember my Mom being angry and saying my Dad got all the fun stuff on his weekend visits and she was stuck with the hard stuff like homework, bedtime and telling us No, we can't afford that. I don't want to do that. So I lie. Kids don't need to know about the adult part of this. They just need to know that they are loved by both Daddy and Mommy.
I am exhausted. This is a giant chunk of this. I know this-Isn't that half the battle? Still doesn't make it any easier as the emotions are still here. I am also angry. I don't know where it is coming from but I feel it seeping out of my gills lately. Don't ask the wrong question or I might just bark. 4 days until court-I guess I do know where it is coming from. I allowed myself to cry, go to therapy and boohoo....but I don't think I have allowed myself to be just flat out pissed off. I keep telling myself it is too late. It is almost over. I do not want him back so why am I so fucking pissed. I noticed I have told a few people if a certain situation occurred I would probably punch that person in the face. I am not sure that is an empty threat. It is not him, I mourn the loss of parts of my life. I am alone and angry. Great combo. Sure to win the hearts of men far and wide.

This is my motto for the night. Anybody want to join me? I am definitely going to need a handler.

Bathing Suit Horror

If celebration of my upcoming trip and the fact that I am also coming up on my 4 year surgery anniversary how else would I do this but by buying 2 new swim suits.
Girls, you know the fear this brings. I think I have purchased like 3 suits in the last 10 years and most of that time a XXX Tshirt covered in anyway. No more like 15+ years actually.
Well I just ordered 2, yes 2, online!! Scary I know. The sale price was right and the stores just don't have the right stuff out now. String Bikini-I think not. Maybe when I am 60 and really don't give a shit.
Last years suit finally gave out in all the wrong places. It was the suit I have been wearing since I got "normal sized" so 4 years is about the time that industrial spandex should die! LOL!
I guess I am a fool to think I could use one next week but again I have some wishful thinking going on. I have to pay like a million dollars to bring a suitcase on the plane so I might as well pack some crazy shit in it.
What do you think?

Leavin' on a Jet Plane.....

Yup, I said it.
I have not been thinking about it-Avoiding the jinx and the bitching from the kids but it is about time I start to celebrate it.
Bitches, I am going to Florida.
I am actually going to just be saying Daytona for now on only because the kids associate Fl. with Disney World and they are not coming. I feel guilty about going without them but it isn't like I can afford a $2000 Disney extravaganza right now. It is a low key-free room and board and car type of girls weekend away. I had to borrow the airfare money and I will eat PB&J for 4 days if I have to.
I have no plans but to just be away and have fun.
Another reason I don't think ahead is I start to worry. On my way to work I began to think about the distance from the girls and what I need to do in case of an emergency ~ permission slips for hospital care, pack up the insurance cards and update the emergency contact info for everyone.
So I am blogging the positive instead of the negative. I have my fingers crossed and am packing 1 sundress and a bathing suit. You never know. Otherwise my only goals are to put some miles on the car, drink some cold beer anywhere with a beach view and laugh.
I added the countdown for me not to rub it in. Hey Mama, 14 days until you do something for yourself. Yes, it is OK to do that. Have a great time and don't forget to pack the Click!

The Dinner Table and Cupcakes

 The dinner table has been going great. The girls don't ask now they just go to the table. They help and actually Ava was mad last night because it was her job to do the napkins and Olivia did it. No Problem, I explained there are more jobs to get dinner to the table. Now look closely at Ava's plate. This is what happens when you allow her to handle her own shake cheese. I don't mind - she did it herself and actually ate most of it with a spoon. Gross but whatever.

After dinner we tackled one of our best Christmas presents. Auntie Erin captured my cupcake addiction head on. One of the gifts allows us to make a mini cupcake cake. While they were in school I baked the cake and assembled it. After dinner I made some quick small pastry bags with the color of their choice and let them go to town. Olivia's new name is Duff. You know from Charmed City Cakes. If you don't know him, you should.

 It was a great time and I was happy to start showing them some of the cooking stuff that my Mom taught me. Olivia even made scrambled eggs for her breakfast this morning. The dinner table thing was easier to get into than I thought it would be and am happy so far with the results. We usually get right into homework or spelling words and it allows us plenty of time together. If I can just keep that damn TV off I get to see much more art, role playing and laughter than couch potatoes with their fingers in their mouth.

Finally, my self bought Christmas gift also arrived and made the perfect addition to my outfit this weekend. I think it brings out the cupcake in me!  ; )

How to be a Mama 101

1st I would like to say-Don't you hate to write a perfect post that brought tears to your own eyes and have Blogger fucking hiccup and lose it all. Thanks, now lets try this again.

I decided I wanted to have more of this ^ and less of this V going on in the Berry house.

So I signed up for a parenting class-More importantly Positive Discipline and Effective Communication class.

So you are trying to say that my most recent communication of screaming at my kids isn't positive or effective?? Exactamento!

Recently I have been doing things and saying things that I am not proud of.  I feel like I am off the path of Good Momihood and I need someone to drop some freaking bread crumbs and get me out of these dark woods. I AM LOST! The divorce is happening in a couple of weeks and some days it is still crappy but the fact is I need to get my shit together and be the best damn Mother to these kids that I can.

I have been working on my loud voice and have decreased it about 1000%. I am standing by ground with the rules and only offering minimal options for them. I have been told repeatedly that I allow them to walk over me and then I am upset when they don't listen. Funniest part about this whole thing-They have been the best in the last 2 weeks than they have almost ever been. I have been trying really hard to work on praising the actions that I want which is creating a circle in the positive instead of the negative. They listen, I praise, they do it again and then I smile and I do it again. Holy Cow this shit works! Well for today anyway. One day at a time.

So in the next 4 weeks I am hoping to learn some tools to help me along the way. I was happy to hear that a few of the things I have been working on were suggestions for us.

1. Praise the good so they know what actions you are looking for. Working on that! Next....

2. Dinner table. This definitely made me smile. Monday after taking the rest of the Christmas stuff down I specifically made an effort to get the kitchen organized and the table cleared. Surprisingly, it is not a coat rack and mail holder. There is a family space under there. When we were kids we always ate at home and at the table together. One of us would set and the other would clear and wash dishes. We always had a table cloth or place mats and real napkins. My Mom would cook dinner and we were happy to help clean up after she did all that for us. I didn't realize how important that was to me until we did it Monday night. They were excited by the changes in furniture but not too happy to find out they were eating at the table-Why? Because we can sit together and have dinner. So before I know it Olivia is madly taking items and setting the table. So it is paper plates and napkins,it is a different generation now, but she was proud of her work and helped until we all sat together, I had to sit at the head and they both scooted to the very ends so we could all sit next to each other. We dripped tacos all over the place and we shared napkins and I explained it was OK that she spilled on her shirt. Most importantly it was the best time I have had in a while. I enjoyed my kids.

So tomorrow we will do it again. No TV and no arguments-just pot roast and plastic Sponge Bob plates and hopefully some giggles. She said if we can make this a priority than hopefully when they get older they will come back to the dinner table to seek our help instead of some of the other options that teenagers are doing now a days. God, I hope so.

She also made an analogy I loved. We should wake up everyday with the goal of being a terrific Mom, doing the best job that we can, so good that Oprah calls and invites us on her last show of the year-Woot!! But in reality some days the only person at your door at the end of the day will be Jerry Springer. Don't I know it.

Our life has changed so dramatically in the last 9 months and in 2 weeks we will end another chapter.

It is time to put them back on the list-at the top.

It was easy to make them but it is a very hard job to maintain the life that they deserve. I truly believe they can do anything they want if I can just give them the right tools.

So for now, they go to school and so do I.



The 6 days are almost over

Today is the final day. I am alone in my house as the girls are back at school. The quiet is nice but I am also thinking about cranking up some tunes and cleaning up around here. The silence makes me antsy.
It was a terrific bunch of days off.
On Thursday I loaded my car to the gills, filled the gas tank and headed to New Hampshire. It was a good trip for me to make for many reasons. I am an independent girl and have been for years. Now it just feels different. I am on my own now so the trip made me nervous. The car is getting on the geriatric side and who would I call if I broke down? I worried about that for a week before I left, didn't make plans until the last minute and finally said to myself-Fuck It-We are doing this.
My cousin let us stay at her house so we were able to make it a longer visit with everyone. I met with my Dad as he was out and about. He bought us some lunch and gave me a much needed Christmas Gift-A Tool Box!! I was talking to him about my plans to do some spiffing up around here but the fact that Mr. FB took all his tools and I was doing things with butter knifes and such. (girls can fix anything with a pair of old pliers and a butter knife) So he put together a tool box with just about anything I could need to get some shit done around here-Awesome and Thanks!
After this we did some shopping and then headed to my cousin Patty's house. She still had her beautiful Christmas tree up and I absolutely loved her house. I would have stolen the kitchen for my house if I could have. She has 3 sons who were supposed to be with their Dad but they all ended up coming home and I was happy to meet them again. I think the last time I saw them they were babies like mine but now they are 11,13 and 15. I was especially happy to see how smart, polite and just good men they all were. She welcomed us into her home like we belonged there and the girls loved it. The cats-not so much. They probably need therapy after Ava left. In the morning Olivia cooked french toast, her specialty, for everyone and we finally got dressed and moving later than expected, too much fun I guess.
Now we were off to head a bit farther north to see our friends Frank and Cheryl who I have not seen since they moved to NH, ummmm 2 years ago it think. God time flies.
Again another place where we were welcomed in like the years had never happened. It was incredible to walk into their kitchen and feel like I had seen them just last week. We pretty much talked and talked until the girls came up and begged to go home. They were exhausted. We headed to Bugaboo Creek to grab some dinner and were headed back to Mass. by about 7pm.
Because it was New Year's Eve not many people were on the road. I think the good ones were staying in and the bad ones hadn't gotten out yet. We flew straight through to the Bridge without a hitch.
It was an awesome couple of days for me in so many ways. I got to see some really important people in my life, I actually learned about my kids and I learned about myself.
1. I can do this.
2. They are terrific, well behaved and normal kids. They were excellent for the whole trip even with a night up until 11:45. They are crazy, funny and smart. Those things are also a little scary. What will the future hold?
School today will be interesting as it is a 180 degree turn from the last week but I hope it is smooth. I am thrilled to be able to put them on the bus again at least for 1 day a week.
Now off this computer for a while, crank up the tunes and get some shit done.