Friday, January 14, 2011

How quickly the tide turns

1st and most importantly I would like to say how invaluable my Mom and sister are in my life. They are the "morning crew" that takes over with the kids when I leave for work at 7:30. I try to get most of it done but they are left with the tough parts: the fight to brush hair and teeth; getting coats, boots, gloves and hats on and to the bus stop. Today there was no school so the plans had changed and I had to be on the road at 7am to drop them off at daycare and Kids club. I just want to say Thank you as I do not know how parents do this everyday without great helpers.
So why am I feeling so blue, well I think I am doing pretty good with this whole thing called life. I was pretty stressed out about the change today as it was vital that I get to work on time and get them where they needed to go. To start, at 6am I am awoken by my oldest daughter who needed to tell me how great it was that Cassidy has a Dad and that Daddy was Cassidy's Mom's boyfriend. That is awesome honey. Whoopie! In my head I am thinking-Damn, I am not awake enough for this shit yet. For some reason I have yet to learn-it is just great in her head to have 2 Dad's and 2 Mom's. Quite the opposite of what my life ambition was but I will ask about this at parenting class. I just would like to know where she is coming from so I can understand. I may not have to like it but if I know why, I can deal with it better.
As I am making my 2nd drop off I see Olivia's lunch box-Yup, I have time to GO BACK FROM WHERE I JUST WAS! Why not!
I finally get here on time and am happy to find a quiet day ahead as long as people stay on their best behavior around here. Good, I could use the break.
But the quiet affords me the time to think. What is coming up lately is that I feel like I am lying to them. I really told myself when all of this happened I would do my best not to promise what I can't deliver and I wouldn't lie to them. I am learning that the 2nd part isn't all that easy. Lying to them is part of what needs to be done. I mean I can't exactly look in my 7 year old's eyes and say yes, Cassidy's Mom is the one who took Daddy from you. Thank her next time you see her. I remember my Mom being angry and saying my Dad got all the fun stuff on his weekend visits and she was stuck with the hard stuff like homework, bedtime and telling us No, we can't afford that. I don't want to do that. So I lie. Kids don't need to know about the adult part of this. They just need to know that they are loved by both Daddy and Mommy.
I am exhausted. This is a giant chunk of this. I know this-Isn't that half the battle? Still doesn't make it any easier as the emotions are still here. I am also angry. I don't know where it is coming from but I feel it seeping out of my gills lately. Don't ask the wrong question or I might just bark. 4 days until court-I guess I do know where it is coming from. I allowed myself to cry, go to therapy and boohoo....but I don't think I have allowed myself to be just flat out pissed off. I keep telling myself it is too late. It is almost over. I do not want him back so why am I so fucking pissed. I noticed I have told a few people if a certain situation occurred I would probably punch that person in the face. I am not sure that is an empty threat. It is not him, I mourn the loss of parts of my life. I am alone and angry. Great combo. Sure to win the hearts of men far and wide.

This is my motto for the night. Anybody want to join me? I am definitely going to need a handler.


Dallas5612 said...

I can honestly say that I still have the same feelings 2 years after my divorce was final. I am angry. I am ass kicking angry. I haven't received child support since nov and he hasn't spoken or seen dakota in 3 weeks. I'm not too angry about the money so much but the fact that he keeps breaking my little girls heart is were I get pissed! I too refuse to have dakota know what is going on because it is an adult issue. And the sad thing is that she doesn't even ask for him at all. To her this is normal for her not to see him. What gets the anger away for me is everytime I look at her I know that I made her to be the most wonderful girl that she is. And that I did it. Just me! Just my thoughts and I know how u feel. Love deb

Gia's Spot said...

The anger will be there until you are ready to put it aside and that usually happens when you find your "happy" again. It is never an easy thing to be the one left with all the responsibilities and to be the disciplanarian (SP) But can I tell you that I would not trade places with my ex-husband for anything. All the accomplishments that my daughters have made, because of me, the wonderful women they have grown into? because of me! The perfect grandchildren they have given me? because of me! I alone raised them sheltered them, loved them and fought with them.ALONE. It was the hardest thing I have ever and will ever do but when I see them post on FB that I am their hero or I am their idol or just that they love me and miss me, that old anger just turns to dust and the wind takes it away!
Believe it or not when I see him the anger tries to resurface, even after 27 years, but I turn my back on it because he doesnt even deserve that from me! You harbor more strength in one of your hands to be doing this job with the girls than he will ever know in his lifetime! Stay strong and true to you and the rewards are yours, forever!
(My sermon is over go in peace! :) )

Race Results

09/07/07 Main Street Mile 11:44
05/18/08 YPD 5k 52:57 17:05
06/14/08 Walpole Village 5K 35:27 11:26
06/21/08 Mashpee Fun Run 34:21 11:05
07/19/08 Mashpee Woodlands 36.49 11:52
08/10/08 Falmouth Road Race 1:29:31
08/25/08 Women Running Wild 35:40 11:30
10/25/08 Mashpee Firefighters 37:47 12:10
05/02/09 Cape Abilities 5K 34:59 11:17
05/17/09 YPD 5K 36:41 11:50
08/09/09 Falmouth Road Race 7mi 1:37
10/31/09 Mashpee Firefighters 5K 37:15 12:00
09/11/11 Main Street Mile 12:31
10/29/11 Screech to the Beach 5K 39.13 12:20
08/12/12 Falmouth Road Race 1:34:24 13:29
05/18/14 YPD 5k 44.25 14:17
06/1/14 June Jog 4mi 1:04 16:00
08/17/14 Falmouth Road Race 1:42:04 14:35
09/27/14 Girly Girl 5K 37:24 12:02
10/26/14 Pell Bridge Run 4mi 48:41 12:10
11/27/14 Turkey Trot in VA 5K 35:22 11:23
12/06/14 Jingle Jog 5K 34:42 11:11
03/29/15 Thomas Guinta Memorial 5K 34:14 11:03
04/19/15 St. Margaret's 5K 31:11 10:21
05/17/15 YPD Blues 5K 34:58 11:17
06/07/15 Newport 10 Miler 1:56:09 11:36
06/20/15 Mackenzie's 5K 33:55 10:54
08/17/14 Falmouth Road Race 1:33:51 13:24
10/31/15 Screech at the Beach 36:19 11:40
5/20/18 YPD Run to Remember 37.37 12:08