My belief being that the lesson won't go away until it is learned is LARGE and in charge right now. Sometimes I am not even sure what the lesson is. I also feel as if I am swinging back and forth at this part of my process. I want to let go of resentment and anger and frustration but I also don't know what to do with those feelings which leads to more anger, frustration and feeling backed into a corner.
I do not like to be backed into a corner. I have worked hard to get out of that place so the fact that the feeling is returning is even more aggravating. Maybe because you need to handle things a little at a time I don't know but I do know that this time the corner isn't as big but the belief in myself certainly is.
At this time it is money but the tentacles wrap around so many other parts of my life.
I wrote a while ago about this being the year I get a handle on my finances. Whenever I think about money I am ill. I sometimes physically can't look at my bank balance. It can take me from a fine mood to total panic on the inside in a second.
After another argument with my ex over money I think I just decided this is it. No one else can fix this but me. I need to let go of the fact that he thinks he is doing his part and I am exhausted from doing what I think is my part and half of his. The biggest hurdle for me is being okay with the things I need to do. I think this is exactly what is holding me back. I have this perception that if I can't hold it all together that I am not a good mother.
Lately I have been thinking about when I grew up. A co-worker and I had this funny conversation about food stamps and welfare cheese. It was after this that I started to think, I never thought my mother was a bad mother. I have these great memories about blue rice, make your own pizza and my Mom making your favorite birthday cake. I now think my mother was making the best of no food or no money. I know that I now make a pretty good homemade mac and cheese and we loved when we had welfare cheese . I know that I am pretty decent cook because we made everything. Maybe because we couldn't afford delivery pizza or boxed crap food I am not sure but know that I use those skills today. We started dinner, setting the table and cleaning up after were our chores and that built us into the Mom's we are today.
I also know that for about 11 years I have wrestled with TV. I wish I didn't compete with it for kids to eat or get dressed in the morning. I hate that they can use the computer for 3 hours but not have the energy to use 30 minutes to read or do homework. I did this. We did it as parents. All parents do it. So it brings me to my first decision. I am investigating shutting off our cable TV. I don't know why this is so hard. Another Bad Mother issue I guess when if you think about it less TV would kind of make me a better mother. We can still use services like HULU and Netflix but TV won't be as easily accessible. I also will lose TV in my room. I am investigating other options for phone service. I NEED a home phone for safety reasons but like a can with a string not voicemail, international calls and all the other crap. Today I will be collecting the facts about getting us down to Internet only.
Secondly is trying to find options about health insurance. The numbers-my hourly rate- look great when you see it on paper. Woohoo-Big Baller! Then you need to look closer to see that I get a 24 cent raise on July 1st but my insurance goes up 28 cents an hour. I'll help you with the math. I just lost 4 cents an hour. I cringe at the thought of Mass Health. I will admit I don't know much but I again am assuming that leaving a large employer supported insurance program is the worst idea on the planet. Compromising my kids is why I haven't done anything sooner.
Next, for some reason my ex believes he doesn't need to help pay for Summer camp because I need it so I can work. Like am I supposed to quit? Doesn't he work? Anyway I have to make a plan for the Summer. I have decided the Boys and Girls Club is our best choice for time and money. That being decided I have to come up with $2900 by June 1st with a $500 payment due Saturday just to get them signed up.
So do you see where I stand? Angry doesn't even begin to describe the last situation yet I need to just man-up. Yet again.
Wait.....the "yet again" is where I stray into the resentment. I will work on the thinking. It's all I have to change. I can not look at the fact that I am taking away things to make necessities possible. I will try to learn a new perspective.
Honestly camp will afford them tons of adventures once they (Olivia really) gets out of her uncomfortable feeling. We all might find something else to do with our mindless time. I may be able to live pay check to paycheck instead of bounced check fee myself into a panic attack.
I hope that these decisions help. I also hope they work. I am not sure that I am eligible for any insurance assistance because I "make so much money". (Please read that last phrase with sarcasm). Sorry but this is still a work in progress.
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