So you know that phrase about a person knowing just enough to be dangerous? Yeah, that is kind of me. Recently I have been reading articles about this Full Moon coming in Libra(my sign) and paired with an eclipse. There is a whole lot more to it than that but I am astrologically challenged. All I know is that it is said to be a huge opportunity for change, shedding old limiting beliefs and opening up new doors.
Yesterday I threw out some comments about that and was met with silly comments and a few raised eye brows. This is my take on it. Believe what you wish. Who really cares if it is real or not. Some believe in a rabbits foot in their pocket, rubbing the Buddha's belly or tossing salt over their shoulder.
If it is all in good fun and you aren't planning for your world to end I say have at it.
I am on this crazy train of self learning. My horoscopes have been supporting this path. Every time I turn around another article says exactly what I need to hear. I don't know that the Spirit world is real and sending this to me or I am just in the correct frame of mind to read it.
I will just say I went with this Full Moon crazy talk. Maybe I just needed someone to name a start date like a person who states they will start their diet on Monday and they are all in from that day forward.
In any case as the afternoon came I decided I would think about it when I was alone this evening. The kids went to dad's and I had the house to myself. Music and mindless laundry folding helped.
Soon I had a list of things I wanted to shed. I originally wanted a more physical plan. I wanted to gather things that related to these ideas and burn them or send them into the wind, some physical way to release them thinking this would be a more permanent exorcism of these thoughts. In reality some may be a slow meticulous extraction over time like the removal of a tumor that has it's tiny tentacles wound through by heart and soul. I am aware that some of these seeds of thought The important thing to take note is the strong feeling that this is the start and the forward propulsion was strong.
I added some of these these statements as I have been saving them for the future when I knew I would need them. As I type they seem so fitting and now I see how they belong together.
So for now I am working on ways of thinking about myself that actually seem old, outdated and just heavy.
I wanted to take an old photo of me and crumple it up and burn it. Why? I am sick of thinking of myself as broken, bent and in need of fixing. I found myself always saying "I need to work on that." I have no problem working on myself and hope to make myself a better person whenever I can but not under the preface that the person I currently am is wrong, broken or less of a person.
I am also ready to shed the fat girl. I know it's been 10 God damn years. I find myself explaining why I am not good at something (wait I just re-read this and I see I am doing it again-My thought that I am not good at something) and then feeling like I need to explain like hey look I used to be fat girl. I have only been running, hiking, LIVING for the last 6-8 years. My body looks like a train wreck because yeah these saddle bags used to carry about 130 more pounds. I eat like a weirdo because I am a food weirdo.
I really wanted to type this last night when the momentum was strong but I was tired by the time I settled the kids into bed. I am still catching up on my sleep from the 2 Midnight shifts.
What I don't want to do is stumble off into this negative way of thinking again. I just felt it as I typed all those horrible words about myself. It is a tape I have been hearing for far too long.
Instead I want to share some of the more positive things that have just popped up in my thinking. I have tried to grasp them and understand their meaning. They came for a reason.
The night before last I had a dream about Dave. This man has made more of an impact on my life than anyone really knows, in both a good and bad way. I do not regret learning all the lessons but I made a conscious decision last year to cut ties with him. It wasn't feeling right, I wasn't respecting my own healthy boundaries and it wasn't adding any quality to my life. He was in need of a friend and I feel like I left him hanging. I decided to put myself first. I have been beating myself up over that decision ever since. Plus pretty much every other decision having to do with him. It's exhausting really.
So in this dream he was dancing. I always loved his crazy dancing. The background was outside but in different areas. Some sunny, some snowy. But the important part was he looked good, happy and healthy. So you know what.....I'm good. It's my sign that he is good. I will not hate myself for the things I think I screwed up. I did everything with good intention with the information I had at hand.
He introduced me to so many things that I now love and want to expand on myself like good food, coffee and the woods. So for that I am grateful.
I was driving to work this morning. Out of no where, for no particular reason I think-
I used to run a business.
I kind of laughed when it popped in my head. Yeah, I did.
When that topic ever comes up I usually correct the story teller with the fact that it was a family business and not really mine but I worked for them and like I did it a long time ago and yeah, let me make myself seem as small and insignificant as I possible can right now. This usually leads to reassurance on the other parties part which I then take as me looking like I am seeking your approval.
Seriously here people!! I mean beat myself with a hammer already.
Yes, my family owned a business that had multiple locations and I ran one or another as my full time job for 10 years. I should be proud of that. I should not negate it an invaluable part of my life. It is a major reason why I became the parent and adult that I am right now. I hope to teach my girls a sense of responsibility only learned from a job that you can't just call in sick to or quit when your boss pisses you off. You show up and you do a good job.
So you now know that I have no other option but to keep walking through this epic life and hope it continues to be lit with beautiful blue moonlight. I am not sure where I am going from here but I do think it will be exciting and I've said it before but I really can't wait to see what happens.