A friend of mine is nursing a broken heart. He has reached out to me for support which I hope I gave him. I tried to balance a tight wire between supporting his hope but also explaining that he need not be treated in a crappy way. He talks of loneliness. Wanting her to love him. Dreams they had.
In a short amount of time this began to stir the same feelings in myself.
I too have waited for that phone to ring. I too have hoped that someone loved me.
Somehow my responses started to be about my own feelings.
My sister then sent me this article.
http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/8033346?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063
My emotions were slightly raw already so maybe the timing wasn't right for me to read it but I did. If I could have ripped it out of my brain at that very second I would have.
I now had the 10 reasons why I was never going to be loved. I was that fucked up.
I stewed about this. wanting to re-read it but fearing it as well. I physically couldn't. Every time I attempted I couldn't. I wanted to give myself the time to process it properly.
I spent the afternoon buried in cleaning up the house and decorating for Christmas with the kids. It was physically tiring and mind occupying.
http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/8033346?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063
My emotions were slightly raw already so maybe the timing wasn't right for me to read it but I did. If I could have ripped it out of my brain at that very second I would have.
I now had the 10 reasons why I was never going to be loved. I was that fucked up.
I stewed about this. wanting to re-read it but fearing it as well. I physically couldn't. Every time I attempted I couldn't. I wanted to give myself the time to process it properly.
I spent the afternoon buried in cleaning up the house and decorating for Christmas with the kids. It was physically tiring and mind occupying.
I laid in my bed and started to think some of the lowest thoughts about myself.
Then as I was just falling asleep I decided I would wake up and think a new way if at all possible.
Then as I was just falling asleep I decided I would wake up and think a new way if at all possible.
I re-read the article this morning from start to finish. It still hurts because much of it WAS true.
One of the things I had failed to remember was that it wasn't a fixed diagnoses. Where does it say I am never going to heal these things?
Actually let's look at the fact that I had already changed many of these things and that some of them were a work in progress. Some things I will be fighting for my whole life to believe but that is okay as long as I can do what I did. Think and disprove the negative thoughts.
I am a fantastic person. I will someday find love. I will not sacrifice for anything less than what I deserve.
My hard tough heart may have been broken but what is replacing it is a more tender and larger heart that can hold all that I love. I find without walls that is quite a bit of stuff and I add to it all the time.
Do I have fear? Yes
Do I do things to protect myself? Sure
But I have let go of a lot of control. I am working on my self-worth. I have set better boundaries. I have found that a lot of issues I took responsibility for were actually the other persons problems. I do things I love and make time for them because they are important to my mental and physical health. I am learning that I am a good Mother. I say no and acknowledge the uncomfortable feelings when I am doing something I do not want to. I learn from my experiences. It is a constant thought about what "normal" is and the perfect part was definitely a huge part of my life. I have happily surrounded myself with good people that show me normal is not perfect and I am normal.
I don't feel the need to go back and read that article again. I think I touched on all 10 in some way. Some left a scar, some still are healing but none are actively an angry hot spot in my life and for that I will add another bean to my self-worth jar.
You're doing all right FB.
One of the things I had failed to remember was that it wasn't a fixed diagnoses. Where does it say I am never going to heal these things?
Actually let's look at the fact that I had already changed many of these things and that some of them were a work in progress. Some things I will be fighting for my whole life to believe but that is okay as long as I can do what I did. Think and disprove the negative thoughts.
I am a fantastic person. I will someday find love. I will not sacrifice for anything less than what I deserve.
My hard tough heart may have been broken but what is replacing it is a more tender and larger heart that can hold all that I love. I find without walls that is quite a bit of stuff and I add to it all the time.
Do I have fear? Yes
Do I do things to protect myself? Sure
But I have let go of a lot of control. I am working on my self-worth. I have set better boundaries. I have found that a lot of issues I took responsibility for were actually the other persons problems. I do things I love and make time for them because they are important to my mental and physical health. I am learning that I am a good Mother. I say no and acknowledge the uncomfortable feelings when I am doing something I do not want to. I learn from my experiences. It is a constant thought about what "normal" is and the perfect part was definitely a huge part of my life. I have happily surrounded myself with good people that show me normal is not perfect and I am normal.
I don't feel the need to go back and read that article again. I think I touched on all 10 in some way. Some left a scar, some still are healing but none are actively an angry hot spot in my life and for that I will add another bean to my self-worth jar.
You're doing all right FB.
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