Monday, November 30, 2015

Define Normal.

A friend of mine is nursing a broken heart. He has reached out to me for support which I hope I gave him. I tried to balance a tight wire between supporting his hope but also explaining that he need not be treated in a crappy way. He talks of loneliness. Wanting her to love him. Dreams they had. 
In a short amount of time this began to stir the same feelings in myself. 
I too have waited for that phone to ring. I too have hoped that someone loved me. 
Somehow my responses started to be about my own feelings. 

My sister then sent me this article.
http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/8033346?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063
My emotions were slightly raw already so maybe the timing wasn't right for me to read it but I did. If I could have ripped it out of my brain at that very second I would have.
I now had the 10 reasons why I was never going to be loved. I was that fucked up.
I stewed about this. wanting to re-read it but fearing it as well. I physically couldn't. Every time I attempted I couldn't. I wanted to give myself the time to process it properly.
I spent the afternoon buried in cleaning up the house and decorating for Christmas with the kids. It was physically tiring and mind occupying. 
I laid in my bed and started to think some of the lowest thoughts about myself.
Then as I was just falling asleep I decided I would wake up and think a new way if at all possible. 
I re-read the article this morning from start to finish. It still hurts because much of it WAS true.
One of the things I had failed to remember was that it wasn't a fixed diagnoses. Where does it say I am never going to heal these things?
Actually let's look at the fact that I had already changed many of these things and that some of them were a work in progress. Some things I will be fighting for my whole life to believe but that is okay as long as I can do what I did. Think and disprove the negative thoughts.
I am a fantastic person. I will someday find love. I will not sacrifice for anything less than what I deserve.
My hard tough heart may have been broken but what is replacing it is a more tender and larger heart that can hold all that I love. I find without walls that is quite a bit of stuff and I add to it all the time.
Do I have fear? Yes
Do I do things to protect myself? Sure
But I have let go of a lot of control. I am working on my self-worth. I have set better boundaries. I have found that a lot of issues I took responsibility for were actually the other persons problems. I do things I love and make time for them because they are important to my mental and physical health. I am learning that I am a good Mother. I say no and acknowledge the uncomfortable feelings when I am doing something I do not want to. I learn from my experiences. It is a constant thought about what "normal" is and the perfect part was definitely a huge part of my life. I have happily surrounded myself with good people that show me normal is not perfect and I am normal.
I don't feel the need to go back and read that article again. I think I touched on all 10 in some way. Some left a scar, some still are healing but none are actively an angry hot spot in my life and for that I will add another bean to my self-worth jar.
You're doing all right FB. 

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Race Results

09/07/07 Main Street Mile 11:44
05/18/08 YPD 5k 52:57 17:05
06/14/08 Walpole Village 5K 35:27 11:26
06/21/08 Mashpee Fun Run 34:21 11:05
07/19/08 Mashpee Woodlands 36.49 11:52
08/10/08 Falmouth Road Race 1:29:31
08/25/08 Women Running Wild 35:40 11:30
10/25/08 Mashpee Firefighters 37:47 12:10
05/02/09 Cape Abilities 5K 34:59 11:17
05/17/09 YPD 5K 36:41 11:50
08/09/09 Falmouth Road Race 7mi 1:37
10/31/09 Mashpee Firefighters 5K 37:15 12:00
09/11/11 Main Street Mile 12:31
10/29/11 Screech to the Beach 5K 39.13 12:20
08/12/12 Falmouth Road Race 1:34:24 13:29
05/18/14 YPD 5k 44.25 14:17
06/1/14 June Jog 4mi 1:04 16:00
08/17/14 Falmouth Road Race 1:42:04 14:35
09/27/14 Girly Girl 5K 37:24 12:02
10/26/14 Pell Bridge Run 4mi 48:41 12:10
11/27/14 Turkey Trot in VA 5K 35:22 11:23
12/06/14 Jingle Jog 5K 34:42 11:11
03/29/15 Thomas Guinta Memorial 5K 34:14 11:03
04/19/15 St. Margaret's 5K 31:11 10:21
05/17/15 YPD Blues 5K 34:58 11:17
06/07/15 Newport 10 Miler 1:56:09 11:36
06/20/15 Mackenzie's 5K 33:55 10:54
08/17/14 Falmouth Road Race 1:33:51 13:24
10/31/15 Screech at the Beach 36:19 11:40