Monday, November 30, 2015

Define Normal.

A friend of mine is nursing a broken heart. He has reached out to me for support which I hope I gave him. I tried to balance a tight wire between supporting his hope but also explaining that he need not be treated in a crappy way. He talks of loneliness. Wanting her to love him. Dreams they had. 
In a short amount of time this began to stir the same feelings in myself. 
I too have waited for that phone to ring. I too have hoped that someone loved me. 
Somehow my responses started to be about my own feelings. 

My sister then sent me this article.
My emotions were slightly raw already so maybe the timing wasn't right for me to read it but I did. If I could have ripped it out of my brain at that very second I would have.
I now had the 10 reasons why I was never going to be loved. I was that fucked up.
I stewed about this. wanting to re-read it but fearing it as well. I physically couldn't. Every time I attempted I couldn't. I wanted to give myself the time to process it properly.
I spent the afternoon buried in cleaning up the house and decorating for Christmas with the kids. It was physically tiring and mind occupying. 
I laid in my bed and started to think some of the lowest thoughts about myself.
Then as I was just falling asleep I decided I would wake up and think a new way if at all possible. 
I re-read the article this morning from start to finish. It still hurts because much of it WAS true.
One of the things I had failed to remember was that it wasn't a fixed diagnoses. Where does it say I am never going to heal these things?
Actually let's look at the fact that I had already changed many of these things and that some of them were a work in progress. Some things I will be fighting for my whole life to believe but that is okay as long as I can do what I did. Think and disprove the negative thoughts.
I am a fantastic person. I will someday find love. I will not sacrifice for anything less than what I deserve.
My hard tough heart may have been broken but what is replacing it is a more tender and larger heart that can hold all that I love. I find without walls that is quite a bit of stuff and I add to it all the time.
Do I have fear? Yes
Do I do things to protect myself? Sure
But I have let go of a lot of control. I am working on my self-worth. I have set better boundaries. I have found that a lot of issues I took responsibility for were actually the other persons problems. I do things I love and make time for them because they are important to my mental and physical health. I am learning that I am a good Mother. I say no and acknowledge the uncomfortable feelings when I am doing something I do not want to. I learn from my experiences. It is a constant thought about what "normal" is and the perfect part was definitely a huge part of my life. I have happily surrounded myself with good people that show me normal is not perfect and I am normal.
I don't feel the need to go back and read that article again. I think I touched on all 10 in some way. Some left a scar, some still are healing but none are actively an angry hot spot in my life and for that I will add another bean to my self-worth jar.
You're doing all right FB. 

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Race Results

09/07/07 Main Street Mile 11:44
05/18/08 YPD 5k 52:57 17:05
06/14/08 Walpole Village 5K 35:27 11:26
06/21/08 Mashpee Fun Run 34:21 11:05
07/19/08 Mashpee Woodlands 36.49 11:52
08/10/08 Falmouth Road Race 1:29:31
08/25/08 Women Running Wild 35:40 11:30
10/25/08 Mashpee Firefighters 37:47 12:10
05/02/09 Cape Abilities 5K 34:59 11:17
05/17/09 YPD 5K 36:41 11:50
08/09/09 Falmouth Road Race 7mi 1:37
10/31/09 Mashpee Firefighters 5K 37:15 12:00
09/11/11 Main Street Mile 12:31
10/29/11 Screech to the Beach 5K 39.13 12:20
08/12/12 Falmouth Road Race 1:34:24 13:29
05/18/14 YPD 5k 44.25 14:17
06/1/14 June Jog 4mi 1:04 16:00
08/17/14 Falmouth Road Race 1:42:04 14:35
09/27/14 Girly Girl 5K 37:24 12:02
10/26/14 Pell Bridge Run 4mi 48:41 12:10
11/27/14 Turkey Trot in VA 5K 35:22 11:23
12/06/14 Jingle Jog 5K 34:42 11:11
03/29/15 Thomas Guinta Memorial 5K 34:14 11:03
04/19/15 St. Margaret's 5K 31:11 10:21
05/17/15 YPD Blues 5K 34:58 11:17
06/07/15 Newport 10 Miler 1:56:09 11:36
06/20/15 Mackenzie's 5K 33:55 10:54
08/17/14 Falmouth Road Race 1:33:51 13:24
10/31/15 Screech at the Beach 36:19 11:40
5/20/18 YPD Run to Remember 37.37 12:08