Sunday, January 25, 2015

Evolving




I am a part of a support group online for Weight Loss Surgery people that had surgery more than 3 years ago. 3 years seems to be a magic time when the weight isn't just falling off and real life is just coming back into the equation. I remember when I realized it and then my own life imploded. I decided to get therapy, feel all these feelings and focus on healing. I gained 40 lbs in the process but it needed to happen. Well not need but I had to focus on my family and so I went back to the things I know soothed me and I put myself to bed many nights in a food coma. I'm an addict of sorts so if it wasn't alcohol, it was frosted. 
Fast forward to a woman who is coming up on her 8 year anniversary. I have 35 of the 40 lbs off and just today started a plan to run a 10 mile race on June 7th. 
So back to this group. Seems like everyone is battling this self hate. Ugly body. I would be beautiful if only....
The same statements that were probably made before they had surgery. After I lost  135 lbs I still didn't think I was beautiful or worth any thing. So how is a flat stomach and perk boobies going to do that? 
Now flash to today. I had a conversation with a man and it was interesting. I heard what he had to say and talked freely about my body like I never have. I am really becoming okay with it. I mean I am working on a goal because I want to get strong both physically and mentally. My belly isn't going to go away and in fact as the exercise helps me lose weight the boobies get worse but I get better. 
I heal. 
I came upon this photo and it struck me that this is exactly true for me. Running is just as important therapy as appointments where I talk. I work things out in my head. My body gets stronger and I prove to myself that I can do what ever crazy crap I put my mind to and in return I learn that I am worth a lot, like a ton. I have settled for what this life has handed me and just sucked it up but I don't have to do that. I can say No, thank you and pass. I need, want and will have better. It's like running hills, I may have to work hard, bear down and breath hard but I will get there. 
I am happy to feel myself change and evolve and become a healthier person. Today was just one of those days where I recognized it as maybe moving to the next level. 

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Race Results

09/07/07 Main Street Mile 11:44
05/18/08 YPD 5k 52:57 17:05
06/14/08 Walpole Village 5K 35:27 11:26
06/21/08 Mashpee Fun Run 34:21 11:05
07/19/08 Mashpee Woodlands 36.49 11:52
08/10/08 Falmouth Road Race 1:29:31
08/25/08 Women Running Wild 35:40 11:30
10/25/08 Mashpee Firefighters 37:47 12:10
05/02/09 Cape Abilities 5K 34:59 11:17
05/17/09 YPD 5K 36:41 11:50
08/09/09 Falmouth Road Race 7mi 1:37
10/31/09 Mashpee Firefighters 5K 37:15 12:00
09/11/11 Main Street Mile 12:31
10/29/11 Screech to the Beach 5K 39.13 12:20
08/12/12 Falmouth Road Race 1:34:24 13:29
05/18/14 YPD 5k 44.25 14:17
06/1/14 June Jog 4mi 1:04 16:00
08/17/14 Falmouth Road Race 1:42:04 14:35
09/27/14 Girly Girl 5K 37:24 12:02
10/26/14 Pell Bridge Run 4mi 48:41 12:10
11/27/14 Turkey Trot in VA 5K 35:22 11:23
12/06/14 Jingle Jog 5K 34:42 11:11
03/29/15 Thomas Guinta Memorial 5K 34:14 11:03
04/19/15 St. Margaret's 5K 31:11 10:21
05/17/15 YPD Blues 5K 34:58 11:17
06/07/15 Newport 10 Miler 1:56:09 11:36
06/20/15 Mackenzie's 5K 33:55 10:54
08/17/14 Falmouth Road Race 1:33:51 13:24
10/31/15 Screech at the Beach 36:19 11:40