Wednesday, January 7, 2015

A negative + a negative doesn't make a positive.

I know I am doing it wrong I just am so frustrated right now.
I am so sick of the negative feed back in my house. I love the kids and have seen so many things that show they have big hearts, love their family and want to be happy but then out pops the negative shit. Mostly Ava.
Doing homework or math on the computer. That is a battle. Like just fucking do it. It needs to be done so do it. I am asking repeatedly, sitting there with you, cajoling, reminding, redirecting.....
Finally I am just done.
You know what?
I fucking know how to read, that 8X7=56, about Christopher Columbus, the planets in the solar system, and I graduated high school. I don't need to do it again.
I also didn't dirty all these dishes, wear all these clothes or make this mess but I clean it all because I love you and it is my job.
I am not expecting them to do all this stuff alone but I would like to not have it always be a battle.
So when I have reached the end of my patience I just yell.

Because you need to.
Because I would like you to be responsible adults.
Because I would like you to graduate High School and get a good job.
Because you have to do shit you don't want to do in life so suck it up.
Because I fucking told you to.

All fantastic things ( read sarcastically) for a Mother to think about her children but it is what I have going on in my head.
Compound that with the fact that after I lose my shit I feel like an asshole. I send them to bed or school with my aggravation and tears.
Awesome Jennifer, just fucking awesome.
So today I come to a job that can be somewhat stressful and my mind is harping on this problem.
What can I do to fix this?
I have done the reward thing but can't keep up with it and they don't care. I threaten to take away TV or computer but that only happens once I have lost my shit once again.
Mostly it's the words. The shitty responses that I just can't take anymore.
I am working my ass off to make this life and you respond with Well Great about some trivial little thing like being out of lemonade and stomping away.
I want to smack that shit right out of your mouth.....but I don't.

I can't teach respect if I am off the handle. I understand that but I am just tired of the battle.
I am tired of you speaking to me like shit.
Rest your will my friend because it starts again in 3 hours.

Part of spending all day making this post has let me think about what I have written, calm down and try to regroup. I need to make a plan that is followable. I like to say we will jump off this cliff starting now....yeah, I can't keep that up.
Maybe change the password to the computer. I need to know when you have signed it and you get 30 minutes not including math practice. Hey wait a minute I like that idea. You can earn extra minutes by reading. Ok let's not get carried away but it is a good idea.
I think also although they hate it homework needs to be done right away, when medication is still in board. 6pm and after is just a shit show.
That is not their fault but mine to maintain.
Add another ball to my juggling act.

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Race Results

09/07/07 Main Street Mile 11:44
05/18/08 YPD 5k 52:57 17:05
06/14/08 Walpole Village 5K 35:27 11:26
06/21/08 Mashpee Fun Run 34:21 11:05
07/19/08 Mashpee Woodlands 36.49 11:52
08/10/08 Falmouth Road Race 1:29:31
08/25/08 Women Running Wild 35:40 11:30
10/25/08 Mashpee Firefighters 37:47 12:10
05/02/09 Cape Abilities 5K 34:59 11:17
05/17/09 YPD 5K 36:41 11:50
08/09/09 Falmouth Road Race 7mi 1:37
10/31/09 Mashpee Firefighters 5K 37:15 12:00
09/11/11 Main Street Mile 12:31
10/29/11 Screech to the Beach 5K 39.13 12:20
08/12/12 Falmouth Road Race 1:34:24 13:29
05/18/14 YPD 5k 44.25 14:17
06/1/14 June Jog 4mi 1:04 16:00
08/17/14 Falmouth Road Race 1:42:04 14:35
09/27/14 Girly Girl 5K 37:24 12:02
10/26/14 Pell Bridge Run 4mi 48:41 12:10
11/27/14 Turkey Trot in VA 5K 35:22 11:23
12/06/14 Jingle Jog 5K 34:42 11:11
03/29/15 Thomas Guinta Memorial 5K 34:14 11:03
04/19/15 St. Margaret's 5K 31:11 10:21
05/17/15 YPD Blues 5K 34:58 11:17
06/07/15 Newport 10 Miler 1:56:09 11:36
06/20/15 Mackenzie's 5K 33:55 10:54
08/17/14 Falmouth Road Race 1:33:51 13:24
10/31/15 Screech at the Beach 36:19 11:40
5/20/18 YPD Run to Remember 37.37 12:08