For my whole Life I have just done exactly what is expected of me whether you ask or I just assume that is what I think you think I should be doing.
Does that sound as dumb to you as it does typing it? I actually re-read it a couple time and yes that is what I did and it still sounds so ridiculous.
But tougher than keeping up with that is just doing nothing or just doing my own thing.
I sometimes do things out of fear. I may not seem like I am having fun but i am pushing my boundaries. Let's do this once, what the fuck! You might love it, how the Hell do you know?
Most recently I have been getting rid of stuff and people just because they aren't contributing any quality to my life. That is soooo wicked hard!!!
I want to explain and apologize and maybe explain again but I am making myself do it.
I feel like it is hurting the person but in reality I am only hurting myself by keeping them and the crap what they bring to my life.
I also am learning to be ok with the travel. Not knowing what is happening in the future and not pre-planning and not thinking out every scenario is not me....was not me.
The guilt is still lingering. Guilt about making decisions for me and only me is tough. Selfishness is not a sin Fooseberry. It is necessary to be healthy.
P.S. Pretty damn happy today. :)
2 comments:
I'm rooting for you. I, too have hideous guilt about wanting to do things on my own, travel, etc. But I can't let it make me not do the things I love.
I've been a lurker for AGES and finally thought I'd drop in and say hi :-)
Love this post, and I have the same "10 to Zen" list picture - I saved it on my phone so it's a constant reminder. I've been such a people pleaser all my life, I'm trying now to change that a bit. So this list is great cause boundary pushing is not my strong point!
Anyway, I've enjoyed reading your blog for a long time now, it really is time I said hello! :-D
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