Monday, April 28, 2014

Bye-Bye Baby

Getting better at it.
For my whole Life I have just done exactly what is expected of me whether you ask or I just assume that is what I think you think I should be doing.
Does that sound as dumb to you as it does typing it? I actually re-read it a couple time and yes that is what I did and it still sounds so ridiculous.
But tougher than keeping up with that is just doing nothing or just doing my own thing.
I sometimes do things out of fear. I may not seem like I am having fun but i am pushing my boundaries. Let's do this once, what the fuck! You might love it, how the Hell do you know?
Most recently I have been getting rid of stuff and people just because they aren't contributing any quality to my life. That is soooo wicked hard!!!
I want to explain and apologize and maybe explain again but I am making myself do it.
I feel like it is hurting the person but in reality I am only hurting myself by keeping them and the crap what they bring to my life.
I also am learning to be ok with the travel. Not knowing what is happening in the future and not pre-planning and not thinking out every scenario is not me....was not me.
The guilt is still lingering. Guilt about making decisions for me and only me is tough. Selfishness is not a sin Fooseberry. It is necessary to be healthy.
P.S. Pretty damn happy today. :)

2 comments:

Barry said...

I'm rooting for you. I, too have hideous guilt about wanting to do things on my own, travel, etc. But I can't let it make me not do the things I love.

Croila said...

I've been a lurker for AGES and finally thought I'd drop in and say hi :-)

Love this post, and I have the same "10 to Zen" list picture - I saved it on my phone so it's a constant reminder. I've been such a people pleaser all my life, I'm trying now to change that a bit. So this list is great cause boundary pushing is not my strong point!

Anyway, I've enjoyed reading your blog for a long time now, it really is time I said hello! :-D

Race Results

09/07/07 Main Street Mile 11:44
05/18/08 YPD 5k 52:57 17:05
06/14/08 Walpole Village 5K 35:27 11:26
06/21/08 Mashpee Fun Run 34:21 11:05
07/19/08 Mashpee Woodlands 36.49 11:52
08/10/08 Falmouth Road Race 1:29:31
08/25/08 Women Running Wild 35:40 11:30
10/25/08 Mashpee Firefighters 37:47 12:10
05/02/09 Cape Abilities 5K 34:59 11:17
05/17/09 YPD 5K 36:41 11:50
08/09/09 Falmouth Road Race 7mi 1:37
10/31/09 Mashpee Firefighters 5K 37:15 12:00
09/11/11 Main Street Mile 12:31
10/29/11 Screech to the Beach 5K 39.13 12:20
08/12/12 Falmouth Road Race 1:34:24 13:29
05/18/14 YPD 5k 44.25 14:17
06/1/14 June Jog 4mi 1:04 16:00
08/17/14 Falmouth Road Race 1:42:04 14:35
09/27/14 Girly Girl 5K 37:24 12:02
10/26/14 Pell Bridge Run 4mi 48:41 12:10
11/27/14 Turkey Trot in VA 5K 35:22 11:23
12/06/14 Jingle Jog 5K 34:42 11:11
03/29/15 Thomas Guinta Memorial 5K 34:14 11:03
04/19/15 St. Margaret's 5K 31:11 10:21
05/17/15 YPD Blues 5K 34:58 11:17
06/07/15 Newport 10 Miler 1:56:09 11:36
06/20/15 Mackenzie's 5K 33:55 10:54
08/17/14 Falmouth Road Race 1:33:51 13:24
10/31/15 Screech at the Beach 36:19 11:40