Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Ava Flava the Amazing

I've attempted to understand these feelings.
Tell myself they are dumb.
Tell myself I am dumb.
The plain and simple truth is I am devastated.
I don't want this. It is crushing me.
She is ridiculously awesome but the reality is she is being overshadowed by her bad behavior and people are truly missing the good hearted, loving and imaginative kid that she is.
I know she is strong willed. I carried this child and have battled with her since she was about 9 months old. I have been told she will make a terrific lawyer someday and probably work for animal rights but that can only happen if i can get her through elementary school. At this rate I am considering private school.
After a pretty bleak meeting that I had with her 3 teachers about a month ago it was decided that  we would start another chart where she would receive :)  :!  or :(   depending on 4 thngs
1. Paying attention when teacher is talking
2. Stays on task in independent work
3.Stays in seat without excessive fidgeting
4.Classwork shows focus and effort while working on the task.
While taking we decided to ass Homework at the end.
At the time I didn't really pay attention to these categories closely. I was talking more about a system where we would reward her when she came home with smiley faces.
Well that never happened. These forms hurt me to read. They are riddled with straight faces and sad faces and comments that are horrible.
I hurt for her so badly.
By the second week I was on the phone with the Doctor. Please speak to us and advise us on a direction. She can't keep going in this direction and neither can I. I am tired and she must just be exhausted.
By the time I walk into the Doctor's office I have 4 weeks of these behavior charts, 3 partial Connor's forms filled out by the Doctor and my kid.
Please tell me that it isn't what I so boldly see on these forms. I am nt trying to tell you your job but is it so obvious to you as well because if it is why the FUCK didn't someone in that school call me before this?
Just typing these 4 points I see Does your daughter have ADHD? let me show you in 5 questions for 4 weeks.
He actually read all of my paperwork, talked to her and talked to me and said I don't even need you to fill these forms out as she is such a classic case of ADHD but please have both parents and all of her teacher fill them out and I will assess them and call you back.
I already have a kid with ADD. Why did I not see it? Why have I not sought help for her before this? I have kicked her ass for a long time to correct a behavior problem.  I send her to school with noted on the palm of her hands to remind her to behave.
He looked right at me and said but she can't help it.
I think that was to make me feel better but it made me feel worse. lately when I have tried to control my temper and talk quietly to her about her behavior she has stoically stood there with tears rolling down her cheeks. I understand the angry screaming outbursts where she stomps away but this breaks my heart every single time and this is more and more her reaction. It is a broken kid.
The Doctor did tell me-we can fix this.
I will do what we need to to fix this but my heart is broken. It is broken for many reasons but mostly for the feeling that I let her down and I should have done something more for her a very long time ago.
This is also mingled with anger. Society is so warped today. I think that schools are so afraid to say anything because parents don't want to hear anything besides that their child is an angel. If they do have an issue than it must be because of the teacher, that over paid, half the year employed babysitter. This just pisses me off. In so many places in this World we are so afraid to hurt another that we are getting to a ridiculous point. In my case this philosophy has done an incredible in-service to my children.



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Race Results

09/07/07 Main Street Mile 11:44
05/18/08 YPD 5k 52:57 17:05
06/14/08 Walpole Village 5K 35:27 11:26
06/21/08 Mashpee Fun Run 34:21 11:05
07/19/08 Mashpee Woodlands 36.49 11:52
08/10/08 Falmouth Road Race 1:29:31
08/25/08 Women Running Wild 35:40 11:30
10/25/08 Mashpee Firefighters 37:47 12:10
05/02/09 Cape Abilities 5K 34:59 11:17
05/17/09 YPD 5K 36:41 11:50
08/09/09 Falmouth Road Race 7mi 1:37
10/31/09 Mashpee Firefighters 5K 37:15 12:00
09/11/11 Main Street Mile 12:31
10/29/11 Screech to the Beach 5K 39.13 12:20
08/12/12 Falmouth Road Race 1:34:24 13:29
05/18/14 YPD 5k 44.25 14:17
06/1/14 June Jog 4mi 1:04 16:00
08/17/14 Falmouth Road Race 1:42:04 14:35
09/27/14 Girly Girl 5K 37:24 12:02
10/26/14 Pell Bridge Run 4mi 48:41 12:10
11/27/14 Turkey Trot in VA 5K 35:22 11:23
12/06/14 Jingle Jog 5K 34:42 11:11
03/29/15 Thomas Guinta Memorial 5K 34:14 11:03
04/19/15 St. Margaret's 5K 31:11 10:21
05/17/15 YPD Blues 5K 34:58 11:17
06/07/15 Newport 10 Miler 1:56:09 11:36
06/20/15 Mackenzie's 5K 33:55 10:54
08/17/14 Falmouth Road Race 1:33:51 13:24
10/31/15 Screech at the Beach 36:19 11:40