I'm an Armadillo

I need to ramble. I need to work some things out in my head so here I return.
This is the year I want to get this life in order, correct that, this is the year I feel like I can get some things in order.
It is taking time which I hate and it is taking me to places I don't want to go. I feel unsure. I feel unsafe. I am angry. I want to fight and then I feel overwhelmed and want to just forget it and walk away.
I feel a little crazy.
I am incredibly lucky to have some terrific friends in my life. They let me talk and they listen. Some things have tumbled out of my own lips lately that I never really knew about myself. It is the tip of the iceberg.
I want to chisel away and dig this info out. I want it to help me feel stronger and put away the negative thoughts.
What is holding me back? I want to have my shit in order and be a better person and that is taking time, then I will be ready to move on with my life.
That doesn't make sense-let me try to explain it . I guess I am thinking when I get the money in order, I have to take care of the IRS issues, I need to get 20lbs off this body, I have a car I am not afraid will breakdown everyday......I can't even type out the rest of the things I think need fixing.
I sort of feel super exposed and yet I am wrapped up so tight to protect myself I am terrified to let anyone in.
Let's break it down.
Money. Although I am not a person who needs a ton of money or a new Lexus. I do want enough that I can take care of myself and the kids. I think it comes back to the fact that I am always the one responsible for everyone around me. I have a spaghetti supper and book fair tonight with the kids and I have $6 in my pocket. Terrific! Feeling great about that.
This sort of leads into my next issue. I don't ask for help as I am so used to people not being there for me that I just am better off not asking and I will not be let down again. I am also so expecting it that even the slightest let down is big to me. I try to cover it well but really I am just waiting for you to not deliver. Everyone always ends up doing it to me in the end.

So why not be alone. I can take care of myself and will work my ass off for myself.
Re-reading that statement is a little silly as I really don't want to be alone. I want a person to snuggle on my couch with, someone to call me just to say hi and someone I can let all these guards down with.
Folks, at this time I am my own worst enemy and cock-blocker.
Let's move onto the body. It's gross. Please be drunk so maybe you won't remember in the morning. Hahaha!
But no, really.
What does a co-worker say to me yesterday? Yes, just cut out the crap and add some broccoli. It's so easy just don't buy the stuff.
Hahahahaha!! At least my ridiculous life is giving me some laughs.
Now I know what you will say. I know what I would say to people.
Change it.
I want to say I can't but that just sounds lame but I can't.
You want to know what I am doing? Digging in my heels, saying I don't want to do it and acting like a 6 year old.
Part of it goes back to the money. My current bank balance is -$115. There is not much I can do at the grocery store with that.
Part of it goes back to the fact that I just can't do much of anything right now besides trudge along and survive.
Part of it is the fact that I deal with stress with food.  
Let's move on to men. The most joyous invention in life.
I try not to hang this laundry out to dry on the blog as it is public but whatever. Ask me and I would say it to your face.
Do I like men? Yes ma'am.
Would I like to have a furry man smelling creature in my life? Why yes I would.
So introduce me to one and I will have a near panic attack. Yes I will.
Why am I not responding with great joy when I meet someone new? I don't have a good answer.
I can tell you as I type this and think about it my stomach is in a knot and I can feel pressure in my chest and I am rolled up in a ball like a MF'ing armadillo.
She is one of my best and closest friends and I know she has nothing but the best in her heart for me and I am rude and I am resistant and now I feel like I will respond just for her because I owe her.
At this point if you are lost, I understand but please know this helps me and this will be forwarded to the proper mental health officials. :)
OK, strange I know but I feel better. I have dumped a good portion of this shit into the Blog and taken it off my shoulders. So now you have to help carry this load I guess.
Now back to working on my Court paperwork. I have decided to fight back.