Sunday, October 28, 2012

Put it in your pocket

Last night was another interesting night with our friend Julie giving us a look into the other side.
If you see a man by the name of Kyle with blond hair and red highlights, give him my number, we might have some fun times in our future. :)
Sometimes it isn't just about what she sees-sometimes she opens my own mind to things I didn't see in myself. I think I am like the Big Dig-a project that is going to take years and have quite a few set backs and leaks and cost a lot. As long as the result is good in the end who really cares how much work it takes right?
One of the most valuable parts of the night for me was a conversation that took place once the party was over and just the 4 of us were left chatting away about what she had told us. I have been trying to remember it because I think it was a huge statement and I need to go there.
We were talking about how I need to learn my own value and Henri kept saying be believed it and I said-I am told it all the time, your wife says it to me daily but it doesn't matter until I believe it. I am working on getting there but it takes time.
Then somehow we got to talking about fear and feelings and this is where I forget exactly what I said but the basics were I am great at extracting the job, the mechanics out of something and getting it done.
Divorce-make a list of the things needed, file, pay the fee, take the classes, stand in Court-Done.
Family issues-Hospitals, taking care of things for people, fixing.
Work-just do the mechanics of the job as if it is a call # and not a person or life.
I am awesome at putting my feelings in my back pocket and doing the mechanics of almost anything.
I don't do feelings I think is what I said. I would not be able to do all of these awful things if I had allowed myself to feel.
Sadly I find myself using this exact statement to the kids. When they start whining and telling me they don't want to do something I say "Put the whining in your pocket because you need to do it." Usually this is about going to school or bed but am I planting the seed with them for feeling stuffing?
I have just always been the person who takes care of everything for everyone. Need an ass wiper? Call me and tell me I have to, there isn't another choice and I am your woman. 
I also have little patience for others who can't do this. I mean shouldn't everyone have a heart of stone?
What do I do this this info? Not sure but saying it out loud seemed to really make it a living breathing thing. I think I ended it with saying I am terrified of my feelings. Well, hey there is a feeling right there. So if I walk up to you and tell you that I love you or that you really piss me off just know I am expressing myself. No hard feelings.

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Race Results

09/07/07 Main Street Mile 11:44
05/18/08 YPD 5k 52:57 17:05
06/14/08 Walpole Village 5K 35:27 11:26
06/21/08 Mashpee Fun Run 34:21 11:05
07/19/08 Mashpee Woodlands 36.49 11:52
08/10/08 Falmouth Road Race 1:29:31
08/25/08 Women Running Wild 35:40 11:30
10/25/08 Mashpee Firefighters 37:47 12:10
05/02/09 Cape Abilities 5K 34:59 11:17
05/17/09 YPD 5K 36:41 11:50
08/09/09 Falmouth Road Race 7mi 1:37
10/31/09 Mashpee Firefighters 5K 37:15 12:00
09/11/11 Main Street Mile 12:31
10/29/11 Screech to the Beach 5K 39.13 12:20
08/12/12 Falmouth Road Race 1:34:24 13:29
05/18/14 YPD 5k 44.25 14:17
06/1/14 June Jog 4mi 1:04 16:00
08/17/14 Falmouth Road Race 1:42:04 14:35
09/27/14 Girly Girl 5K 37:24 12:02
10/26/14 Pell Bridge Run 4mi 48:41 12:10
11/27/14 Turkey Trot in VA 5K 35:22 11:23
12/06/14 Jingle Jog 5K 34:42 11:11
03/29/15 Thomas Guinta Memorial 5K 34:14 11:03
04/19/15 St. Margaret's 5K 31:11 10:21
05/17/15 YPD Blues 5K 34:58 11:17
06/07/15 Newport 10 Miler 1:56:09 11:36
06/20/15 Mackenzie's 5K 33:55 10:54
08/17/14 Falmouth Road Race 1:33:51 13:24
10/31/15 Screech at the Beach 36:19 11:40