Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Fuming

Apparently I have some misdirected anger. You may know it but I am just scratching the surface and I guess I need to find out where it may be coming from so join me while I dive deep into my dark places and see what we can dig up.
This should be fun.
If you can't sense the sarcasm yet just wait. It is one of my many coping mechanisms. Hey if you can't laugh and make inappropriate jokes about your life you may just end up in a straight jacket.
Recently I have been working on helping Olivia in any way that I can to get her on track for 3rd grade. This has involved talk therapy, a touch of medication and some changes in the way things are done at home. One big thing I know is me. I want to offer them the best home/family life I can. I am not comfortable with yelling at them and this is causing a great deal of stress on me. They need discipline but not a loud environment of anger.
I was talking about this with my own counselor and she just asked outright-What are you angry about?
I was blank for a moment. I really had no answer. For over a year now I have been seeing her and I just keep telling her things that have happened and then explaining that it is OK and why it is ok. I clearly remember asking her why everyone is so angry about my divorce when it was all going to be ok. We split everything up, he left with most of his stuff, I would get the kids and he would pay child support and visit them. Bim-Bam-Bop! Everything was going to be fine.
Yeah, right.
I find myself explaining why I have no right to feel angry 2 seconds after I say something that hurts.
He left......but we were unhappy anyway so this is for the best.
I work too much.......suck it up, you are an adult and this is your responsibility.
Wait, come to think of it most of the time I tell myself to suck it up because it is my responsibility. If I go back and read my own f-ing blog I am sure there are many posts about me wanting to give up and I eventually pull my big  girl pants up and just keep going on.
Am I ever giving myself a chance? I don't think I have ever been balls to the wall angry over the right thing.
I listen to my daughters talk about their Dad and his magical girlfriend. I smile and ask questions and say- Gee that is awesome. I want to support them and do everything in my power to get them through our split the best I can. They love their Dad and our split has nothing to do with that relationship.
All the while in my head I ask myself why didn't I walk up to her and punch her in the fucking mouth and then burn his fucking truck in the driveway while they lied and snuck around. Hmmm now maybe that would have been the most direct way to get rid of my anger.
But no, I instead said.....We were unhappy and no longer in love and he was the bigger person for actually leaving first.  I felt like a fool for hanging on so long and thinking if I worked harder I could fix it. Another ridiculous trait I have.
As I type this and my hands tremble I am also thinking-It is too late. You could have had these feelings like a year ago and you didn't so it is inappropriate to do this now.
Now that is a problem-Let me explain to my heart and head that it is not the correct time for these feelings and to STOP IT. Jennifer, you will be put in time out if you can't get it together.
So what exactly is normal anger? I now am more confused than ever. I worry that the real anger is not right, I worry that some of my anger is just what is seeping out of the cracks because my feeling tanks, where I stuff everything, is just full to capacity.
I love my children with very ounce of my soul but are they getting my yelling screaming voice because I am not yelling and screaming at the right person?
My other fear is this: If I begin to tell people what I really think can I control that? How I dream of actually telling everyone to fuck off and leave me alone. I am literally tired of playing nice and pretending I care about your shit, listening to your bitching when I really want to scream Suck It Up and most importantly I would love to just outright say "You are a liar" which is a huge peeve of mine.
You may say-Do it, say it.
I can't.
It isn't appropriate.
The funniest part is in some respects I am blunt, I can say it like it is. I can be very direct and honest but then there are time where I can't even go there. For example, I will not allow myself to be angry at my Mother at all, never. I just can't. I also definitely need to learn what to do with anger when the other person is not angry. I hate to see people I care about hurt but if they don't get angry how am I supposed to just put my anger away? I guess that is what I am asking friends and family to do when they get angry about my divorce but I choose not to be.
It is the beginning of a journey for me. I may just get myself a red notebook and start an angry journal. Maybe if I dump my hate there I can get it off my back. Then I can burn it or stomp on it or use it as a fire log to burn something bigger. Yeah, fire seems to be the theme today.
So there it is. I have been hanging onto this and keeping my blog the sunshiny place to read about bikinis and bike trips and silliness but on the inside it isn't. It is tainted with pain and the feeling that I am a horrible person. I have mentioned this in passing and am told-Oh, no you are fine, your a great Mom. No, I am not. So you know what? I just don't say anything. 
During the course of typing this I have felt some release. It is the valve to the pressure cooker that is my life. I just hope that in taking off the edge I don't become complacent and just keep on trucking without clearing out the deeper issues or unfortunately you will be reading about this again and again.

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Race Results

09/07/07 Main Street Mile 11:44
05/18/08 YPD 5k 52:57 17:05
06/14/08 Walpole Village 5K 35:27 11:26
06/21/08 Mashpee Fun Run 34:21 11:05
07/19/08 Mashpee Woodlands 36.49 11:52
08/10/08 Falmouth Road Race 1:29:31
08/25/08 Women Running Wild 35:40 11:30
10/25/08 Mashpee Firefighters 37:47 12:10
05/02/09 Cape Abilities 5K 34:59 11:17
05/17/09 YPD 5K 36:41 11:50
08/09/09 Falmouth Road Race 7mi 1:37
10/31/09 Mashpee Firefighters 5K 37:15 12:00
09/11/11 Main Street Mile 12:31
10/29/11 Screech to the Beach 5K 39.13 12:20
08/12/12 Falmouth Road Race 1:34:24 13:29
05/18/14 YPD 5k 44.25 14:17
06/1/14 June Jog 4mi 1:04 16:00
08/17/14 Falmouth Road Race 1:42:04 14:35
09/27/14 Girly Girl 5K 37:24 12:02
10/26/14 Pell Bridge Run 4mi 48:41 12:10
11/27/14 Turkey Trot in VA 5K 35:22 11:23
12/06/14 Jingle Jog 5K 34:42 11:11
03/29/15 Thomas Guinta Memorial 5K 34:14 11:03
04/19/15 St. Margaret's 5K 31:11 10:21
05/17/15 YPD Blues 5K 34:58 11:17
06/07/15 Newport 10 Miler 1:56:09 11:36
06/20/15 Mackenzie's 5K 33:55 10:54
08/17/14 Falmouth Road Race 1:33:51 13:24
10/31/15 Screech at the Beach 36:19 11:40