How quickly the tide turns

1st and most importantly I would like to say how invaluable my Mom and sister are in my life. They are the "morning crew" that takes over with the kids when I leave for work at 7:30. I try to get most of it done but they are left with the tough parts: the fight to brush hair and teeth; getting coats, boots, gloves and hats on and to the bus stop. Today there was no school so the plans had changed and I had to be on the road at 7am to drop them off at daycare and Kids club. I just want to say Thank you as I do not know how parents do this everyday without great helpers.
So why am I feeling so blue, well I think I am doing pretty good with this whole thing called life. I was pretty stressed out about the change today as it was vital that I get to work on time and get them where they needed to go. To start, at 6am I am awoken by my oldest daughter who needed to tell me how great it was that Cassidy has a Dad and that Daddy was Cassidy's Mom's boyfriend. That is awesome honey. Whoopie! In my head I am thinking-Damn, I am not awake enough for this shit yet. For some reason I have yet to learn-it is just great in her head to have 2 Dad's and 2 Mom's. Quite the opposite of what my life ambition was but I will ask about this at parenting class. I just would like to know where she is coming from so I can understand. I may not have to like it but if I know why, I can deal with it better.
As I am making my 2nd drop off I see Olivia's lunch box-Yup, I have time to GO BACK FROM WHERE I JUST WAS! Why not!
I finally get here on time and am happy to find a quiet day ahead as long as people stay on their best behavior around here. Good, I could use the break.
But the quiet affords me the time to think. What is coming up lately is that I feel like I am lying to them. I really told myself when all of this happened I would do my best not to promise what I can't deliver and I wouldn't lie to them. I am learning that the 2nd part isn't all that easy. Lying to them is part of what needs to be done. I mean I can't exactly look in my 7 year old's eyes and say yes, Cassidy's Mom is the one who took Daddy from you. Thank her next time you see her. I remember my Mom being angry and saying my Dad got all the fun stuff on his weekend visits and she was stuck with the hard stuff like homework, bedtime and telling us No, we can't afford that. I don't want to do that. So I lie. Kids don't need to know about the adult part of this. They just need to know that they are loved by both Daddy and Mommy.
I am exhausted. This is a giant chunk of this. I know this-Isn't that half the battle? Still doesn't make it any easier as the emotions are still here. I am also angry. I don't know where it is coming from but I feel it seeping out of my gills lately. Don't ask the wrong question or I might just bark. 4 days until court-I guess I do know where it is coming from. I allowed myself to cry, go to therapy and boohoo....but I don't think I have allowed myself to be just flat out pissed off. I keep telling myself it is too late. It is almost over. I do not want him back so why am I so fucking pissed. I noticed I have told a few people if a certain situation occurred I would probably punch that person in the face. I am not sure that is an empty threat. It is not him, I mourn the loss of parts of my life. I am alone and angry. Great combo. Sure to win the hearts of men far and wide.

This is my motto for the night. Anybody want to join me? I am definitely going to need a handler.