I am literally blogging while I read because
to all of it so far.
I had been trying to be more authentic, not hide my feelings, be trapped by my should's or what I think people expect of me. This is extremely hard when you have spent the last 43 year living like this. My days are pretty much spent doing something and then thinking about whether I did the right thing, fighting the urge to ask others if it was the right thing and waiting for the fall out of my wrong decision. It's really rather exhausting like most of my brain processes.
I have also found myself explaining why I say or do things. I have a horrific story of my past to explain every single thing. Example- I have never done that because I used to be fat. Really? Can I get out from under that fat girl finally it was almost 10 years ago.
I could go on and on with more examples but really it just is me explaining "my stories" again. I spent some time actually talking out loud about this with Dot the other day. It's funny how sometimes saying it out loud unmixes things that your head has jumbled and made into a tight ball.
I really don't want to keep explaining myself, attaching a horrific story as to why and again feeling victimized by the story.
Sure the past has shaped the way I make decisions like walking on a path over and over again wears a trail BUT I make the decision today to happily keep walking that trail or bushwhacking a new one.
I am thinking of 2 exercises to help me progress past this place. I am beginning to think that this is a bigger movement than I even know at this point but I need to move forward.
1. I want to list all the past.....I can't find the word. Ideas, labels, pains, stories and burn them. Be done with them. They are not who I am, they are things that happened to me.
I think I thought I was being authentic and honest to claim these things. Like I'm a child of alcoholics, I am divorced, I was hit by a previous boyfriend and saw my mother abused by my father. I work in a place where I hear horrible things, I have been treated crappy and harsh words spoken about me. I have put everyone else before me because I do not think I am worthy of love, mine or yours. I have been bullied as both a child and an adult. I have lost everything physical in my life that I thought made me a successful adult.
Just typing these has physically jarred me.
2.It is going to be a work in progress and I think I will physically make something to look at everyday. I would like to list the things I actually am. I have seen this done with millions of descriptive words. At this point I can only think of a few surface descriptions of myself. Clearly this will be tough but I hope if I get rid of the old trash thoughts I can make room for the fresh, new, pink, bright, strong ideas about myself.
This year I have really been struggling with my purpose or goal or motivation. I have been rough on myself feeling lazy, unmotivated physically and not able to feel the happiness I once thought I had a good handle on. Just looking back on this post alone I am realizing that the work is being done behind the scenes and it is "hugantic". Rest up girlfriend because only incredible things can come from this.