Icy Heart

Although this was a happy memory and a cool find it was the best depiction of what I need to talk about today.

Icy heart. 

Just the other day Ava asked me why it "stressed me out" if they called me at work. Apparently my Mom told them not to call me when I am at work because it stresses me out. I attempted to explain it to her so that she would not feel like it was her fault because it definitely isn't. 

Before you know it I am saying things that I am not even sure I knew myself. 

Pretty much I told her that in bad storms or overnights I need them to be in a safe place so that I do not have to worry about them. I can safely tuck all thoughts of them in my pocket and do my job of helping people at work. I said to do a good job here I need to not have any emotion and stay calm. If I am worried or thinking about them that makes keeping my emotions under control pretty tough because they are the most important things in my life outside of myself. 

Today I came into work for 1 shift. Just one during their school vacation and I don't know if maybe my armor was not secured properly or what but today doesn't feel good. 

There is too much death. People are miserable. People are awful.

But more importantly from my end I am all of a sudden aware of our non-feeling about these things. We talk about death and drugs and overdoes and hellish things like they are nothing. Because we have to. People on the outside wouldn't understand so you can't talk too much about it either. We would be described as heartless when in fact you couldn't do this job with your heart unprotected.

I can't afford to feel in this job. 

I am curious about these feelings and I want to run from them at the same time. I am trying not to cry.....still and it is late into the afternoon and all is quiet. 

I will not lie and say I haven't had a handful of chocolate but I am also working on booking some of my more healthy crutches to help me through this.

Tonight I was able to get in a yoga class.

I will try to be outside everyday this week.

Saturday I have a kid free day all to myself. I need to work on a long term plan for that.  

I am also hyper-aware of being alone right now. Like being tucked under someones arm would work wonders but for now I will spoon with my dog.