Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Whomp, whomp, whomp....

I'm going to be honest here, I don't even want to write this post.
I want to just look away.
Keep moving. Nothing to see here folks.
So because of the tightness in my chest and the physical feeling of how I can't, I must.
I have come to this place where I need to sometimes take a clear slow look at things to process them and figure out what I am going to do. Like what can I do to get this tightness to go. I once described it as rolling in the shit. It sucks but you must dig deep and power through the shit to move on.
Can I change something, learn something or should I just let it go?
I have been dreaming big. I want to do, do, do. It has been fun. Like to wildly just think without looking at the how I can actually make it happen. I was just going along thinking I just know I want to and I will work as hard as necessary to do things I love.  
I have had a couple of quiet days on the desk so I figured I had time to go here. I keep talking about having a better grip on my finances. They stress me out as I am constantly working out of a hole and never fulling caught up. Maybe that is a goal for this year. It's a big one but I'm not against taking on big challenges. 
Today I took a base pay stub. Added my child support and the rent my sister pays and worked out a budget. A skeleton budget of sorts. I am $360 a month in the negative without buying food.
Oh My Fucking God.
That is pretty much what has been playing in my head for the last hour.
There are less than 10 things on this list.
I do not have credit cards, extravagances or a gym membership.
I work a ton of overtime and I see that I have to continue that forever. I'm actually more stressed about what I will do if I don't work overtime now.
I almost wish I didn't know.
Now that I do I guess I need to find a solution. The only ones I can think of right off the bat don't seem like solutions I can or want to do. 
1. Move. I don't even know how I could do this. I can't afford first, last and security and I can NOT lose my dog. 
2. Different car. My credit is so bad no one is going to sell me a car for years. I can't possibly save money to buy a different car. I am almost trapped in this car. 
3. Shut off my cable and cell phone. This alone wouldn't even fix the issue. I know they are extravagances but they are all I have really. 
So I am still not sure what my next step is but I usually take a day or 2 to think about it. I will figure it out. I refuse to not and I can't continue to work this hard and struggle so much. 
I also have to remember that the things I love are still doable. My needs are basic. I can buy running sneakers on clearance. Mother Nature is always free. I have a small amount of gear to have some pretty wild adventures right now today. 
So it looks like I have some homework to do.

Race Results

09/07/07 Main Street Mile 11:44
05/18/08 YPD 5k 52:57 17:05
06/14/08 Walpole Village 5K 35:27 11:26
06/21/08 Mashpee Fun Run 34:21 11:05
07/19/08 Mashpee Woodlands 36.49 11:52
08/10/08 Falmouth Road Race 1:29:31
08/25/08 Women Running Wild 35:40 11:30
10/25/08 Mashpee Firefighters 37:47 12:10
05/02/09 Cape Abilities 5K 34:59 11:17
05/17/09 YPD 5K 36:41 11:50
08/09/09 Falmouth Road Race 7mi 1:37
10/31/09 Mashpee Firefighters 5K 37:15 12:00
09/11/11 Main Street Mile 12:31
10/29/11 Screech to the Beach 5K 39.13 12:20
08/12/12 Falmouth Road Race 1:34:24 13:29
05/18/14 YPD 5k 44.25 14:17
06/1/14 June Jog 4mi 1:04 16:00
08/17/14 Falmouth Road Race 1:42:04 14:35
09/27/14 Girly Girl 5K 37:24 12:02
10/26/14 Pell Bridge Run 4mi 48:41 12:10
11/27/14 Turkey Trot in VA 5K 35:22 11:23
12/06/14 Jingle Jog 5K 34:42 11:11
03/29/15 Thomas Guinta Memorial 5K 34:14 11:03
04/19/15 St. Margaret's 5K 31:11 10:21
05/17/15 YPD Blues 5K 34:58 11:17
06/07/15 Newport 10 Miler 1:56:09 11:36
06/20/15 Mackenzie's 5K 33:55 10:54
08/17/14 Falmouth Road Race 1:33:51 13:24
10/31/15 Screech at the Beach 36:19 11:40
5/20/18 YPD Run to Remember 37.37 12:08