Metaphorically Speaking

I completely understand this is a public blog. Any Tom, Dick or Mary can be reading but I sort of look at it like Post Secret. If I share my feelings they are set free for me to move on. I have in the past just started typing (like now) and things have just started to unfold. I wish all things were this easy but at least this is a start, like working on a knot. I am slowly untangling it.
I also have some terribly private issues to handle and they are just none of ya business so please bare with me while I work in code for a while. I mean I know I am sometimes terribly entertaining but this might be a good time to click Next Blog.
I recently have been hit with some stuff like questionable behavior of my Mom and the ending of pretty much the only relationship I have had since my divorce.
Normal every day crap. Ha! Funny, remember normal is all relative.
Now don't get me wrong I am not looking for pity. I had a friend who I shared things with and she would always end with Oh Jen, I am so sorry. First of all I am not sorry. Shit happens and some shit happens so better things can come. I also look at these things as a way to learn. Like running and not walking the hills. Hills make you stronger.
The bigger picture is how these things showed me bigger things.
Now time for the Metaphor:
I am always talking about how I want to clean my closets, basement and under my bed. My house may look in order when you walk in but under the bed is cluttered and my basement needs a serious douche.
So that is sort of what my life is right now. I may look together on the outside but my attic is cluttered and still filled with shit that just needs to go to the dump.
Let's talk about some of these issues.
Mom. I love her dearly but I also can not do one damn thing to prevent anything from happening. It is silly to think I can. It is her disease and I will help her in any way I can but I also need to do what I need to so I feel safe myself. I logically know these things but still have crippling anxiety when I think she is sliding. I am also exhausted of this cycle. She and I haven't been close lately but I just don't know how else to be. I can't worry all the time.
David. The funny thing about this is that it isn't him, I mean part of it is losing him and having the feeling that I was losing the last really close person I had. That is one part of it but as for the relationship itself, I really wanted more and have been thinking lately that it seems to have reached it's maturity. I just kept thinking there was something wrong with me for needing more and needing to ask. So why do I instantly go to What did I do wrong? I didn't do shit wrong. I was about the most authentic that I have ever been in my entire life. I didn't knock down all the walls but I really think that was because for a very long time I knew he wasn't in it full fledged himself. Whatever.
I really don't want to analyze that situation to much. It was a great experience. I had fun, I learned about myself and in the end that is what I said about a year ago. He was the only person who didn't need me for something. That was weird and difficult for me to understand. I don't attract independent men. They all need something.
As the stars would line up this also happens at a time where I am a little low on the supportive friend spectrum. That has been a big cavern in my life in the last year I would say. I have just gotten to a place where I no longer want to deal with fake, on my part or yours. The side effect of this is that you end up standing alone for a while, on an iceberg, floating away, thinking how the fuck am I getting back to shore?
So this is what I have decided. I am not going back to that shore, I am floating by myself for a while. Making myself better so that when I make it to the other shore I will be ready for wherever I land.
There is no doubt in my heart that I am destined to have this epic, incredible, blockbuster life. All I have to do is heal and let go and accept it.
I plan on doing what ever the hell makes me happy. Most of that is alone anyway. I have running to do, hiking places to explore, kids to grow and make smile and skin that needs to be tanned by the sun. In fact when I think about it I am a little frustrated that I don't have enough time or money to do all the things I want to.
I think I am being overly concerned about being alone just because right now I don't have a person who is willing to get up at 7am and drive to Wellesley to hike for 3-4 hour but truth be told I do that by myself just fine. I also don't want another person to run with me. I just rather it be me and my music. I much prefer my alone time at home too but that rarely happens anymore. So I will not shrivel up and die alone. I may engage in a few conversations with myself and getting a dog seems to be sounding like a pretty good idea right now.
In the last 5 years I have handled some big things. In the shadow of these big things is the lesson that they sometimes take time and I need to trust the process. I think my average on big life changes is that they take about a year. This is just another example of that.
Trust the process and believe in yourself.
Be a Badass. Not many people can.