Friday, June 15, 2012

Giving up

I guess I never really realized exactly how hard it is to give up. I always thought I would be stronger to keep fighting, working, trying to get it done.
I was mistaken.
Is it because I grew up in an alcoholic family?
Is it because I am a first born?
Is it in my genes?
I have no idea and I don't really think the reason why matters. It just is the way I roll.
I should have maybe given up a long time ago on many things in my life but I didn't. I set my nose to the grind stone and worked until my knuckles and heart bled. When I was finally told or figured out there was nothing else that could be done it hurt, deeply. But hadn't I worked so hard?
Sometimes I guess things can't be fixed.
I am trying to start fresh but still following some of the old ways.
Hey Spanky, That isn't going to work!
So for now I try to do nothing. I sit on my hands.
I have the hardest time not checking my phone 10,000 times a day wishing it to ring. If it wasn't for my wanting to always be available for the kids I would shut off my phone for a while. It causes me the most stress.
I also don't want to talk about it. I know!!! I am the talking Queen, I talk things out, that is what I do, but for now I am feeling tired. I don't want to be asked. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to evaluate every dark corner of every possible scenario. Maybe this is a sign of changing my course.
Whatever. I hate that word but it should be my mantra for now I guess.
So now I float, or flail my arms and try to float like a terrified new swimmer.

No comments:

Race Results

09/07/07 Main Street Mile 11:44
05/18/08 YPD 5k 52:57 17:05
06/14/08 Walpole Village 5K 35:27 11:26
06/21/08 Mashpee Fun Run 34:21 11:05
07/19/08 Mashpee Woodlands 36.49 11:52
08/10/08 Falmouth Road Race 1:29:31
08/25/08 Women Running Wild 35:40 11:30
10/25/08 Mashpee Firefighters 37:47 12:10
05/02/09 Cape Abilities 5K 34:59 11:17
05/17/09 YPD 5K 36:41 11:50
08/09/09 Falmouth Road Race 7mi 1:37
10/31/09 Mashpee Firefighters 5K 37:15 12:00
09/11/11 Main Street Mile 12:31
10/29/11 Screech to the Beach 5K 39.13 12:20
08/12/12 Falmouth Road Race 1:34:24 13:29
05/18/14 YPD 5k 44.25 14:17
06/1/14 June Jog 4mi 1:04 16:00
08/17/14 Falmouth Road Race 1:42:04 14:35
09/27/14 Girly Girl 5K 37:24 12:02
10/26/14 Pell Bridge Run 4mi 48:41 12:10
11/27/14 Turkey Trot in VA 5K 35:22 11:23
12/06/14 Jingle Jog 5K 34:42 11:11
03/29/15 Thomas Guinta Memorial 5K 34:14 11:03
04/19/15 St. Margaret's 5K 31:11 10:21
05/17/15 YPD Blues 5K 34:58 11:17
06/07/15 Newport 10 Miler 1:56:09 11:36
06/20/15 Mackenzie's 5K 33:55 10:54
08/17/14 Falmouth Road Race 1:33:51 13:24
10/31/15 Screech at the Beach 36:19 11:40
5/20/18 YPD Run to Remember 37.37 12:08