I was mistaken.
Is it because I grew up in an alcoholic family?
Is it because I am a first born?
Is it in my genes?
I have no idea and I don't really think the reason why matters. It just is the way I roll.
I should have maybe given up a long time ago on many things in my life but I didn't. I set my nose to the grind stone and worked until my knuckles and heart bled. When I was finally told or figured out there was nothing else that could be done it hurt, deeply. But hadn't I worked so hard?
Sometimes I guess things can't be fixed.
I am trying to start fresh but still following some of the old ways.
Hey Spanky, That isn't going to work!
So for now I try to do nothing. I sit on my hands.
I have the hardest time not checking my phone 10,000 times a day wishing it to ring. If it wasn't for my wanting to always be available for the kids I would shut off my phone for a while. It causes me the most stress.
I also don't want to talk about it. I know!!! I am the talking Queen, I talk things out, that is what I do, but for now I am feeling tired. I don't want to be asked. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to evaluate every dark corner of every possible scenario. Maybe this is a sign of changing my course.
Whatever. I hate that word but it should be my mantra for now I guess.
So now I float, or flail my arms and try to float like a terrified new swimmer.
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