Saturday, May 19, 2012

Can't have rainbows without rain

I have just, in the last few days, felt myself break out with a tear out of no where. I am usually at work and there is no place for that so I stuff, stuff, stuff it away. I am standing around rigid just trying to make it and I am starting to realize that I can't do it that way. I just can't.
I was pretty proud of myself about how I handled the beginning months after my divorce. I cried and I cried and I let myself cry. I explained it to the kids and told them it was okay to cry and be sad. I sometimes cried at work at night while alone.
I broke this major life change down to 3 parts.
Divorce. check.
Bankruptcy. check.
House.........pending.
When during this 3 step plan did I decide that I could stop crying is beyond me.
It is not wrong to mourn my loses and not all loses are people.
In preparing to move I knew it was going to take time and I wanted to try to be okay with the loss so I have been doing my best to find alternatives to throwing things out. I donated a bunch of stuff to a friend who was having a giant yard sale to support her Cancer relay team. Awesome cause and an awesome person so my heart said this would be great.
Today she posted a photo of her yard sale and right out front is a giant blow up snowman. My snowman. I immediately started to feel the pain. I have been filling garbage bags, big black contractor bags, the ones that you can't see what you are throwing away. Close your eyes and tie up another bag because this is going to hurt.
Last night I spent a few minutes talking to a family member who said you don't have to give everything away. I guess that is true, too.
I just feel like I am losing so much. I am speaking about the stuff but in reality I don't care about the snowman, he is but a symbol.
I have been reading about letting go and being happy and life is a journey and blah, blah, blah. Smile and everything will be fucking rainbows.
In reality in order to have rainbows you must first have some black clouds and rain.
If I do not let these emotions out I can not truly be happy and successful.
But for now I need a yes day, a day where no one has to be told that is not a possibility. I will pack the car, pack the cooler and we will go somewhere where I can see the girls smile, hear them giggle and we can just have some laughs. It will all be there when we get back. 

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Race Results

09/07/07 Main Street Mile 11:44
05/18/08 YPD 5k 52:57 17:05
06/14/08 Walpole Village 5K 35:27 11:26
06/21/08 Mashpee Fun Run 34:21 11:05
07/19/08 Mashpee Woodlands 36.49 11:52
08/10/08 Falmouth Road Race 1:29:31
08/25/08 Women Running Wild 35:40 11:30
10/25/08 Mashpee Firefighters 37:47 12:10
05/02/09 Cape Abilities 5K 34:59 11:17
05/17/09 YPD 5K 36:41 11:50
08/09/09 Falmouth Road Race 7mi 1:37
10/31/09 Mashpee Firefighters 5K 37:15 12:00
09/11/11 Main Street Mile 12:31
10/29/11 Screech to the Beach 5K 39.13 12:20
08/12/12 Falmouth Road Race 1:34:24 13:29
05/18/14 YPD 5k 44.25 14:17
06/1/14 June Jog 4mi 1:04 16:00
08/17/14 Falmouth Road Race 1:42:04 14:35
09/27/14 Girly Girl 5K 37:24 12:02
10/26/14 Pell Bridge Run 4mi 48:41 12:10
11/27/14 Turkey Trot in VA 5K 35:22 11:23
12/06/14 Jingle Jog 5K 34:42 11:11
03/29/15 Thomas Guinta Memorial 5K 34:14 11:03
04/19/15 St. Margaret's 5K 31:11 10:21
05/17/15 YPD Blues 5K 34:58 11:17
06/07/15 Newport 10 Miler 1:56:09 11:36
06/20/15 Mackenzie's 5K 33:55 10:54
08/17/14 Falmouth Road Race 1:33:51 13:24
10/31/15 Screech at the Beach 36:19 11:40