Today is swirling around the toilet emotionally. I have read 2 horoscopes that both say Whoopie, you are getting your ducks in a row and checking things off the list.
What, Where, Who me?
It sure doesn't feel like it.
In the morning when I send Ava off to school I frequently say to her-Make Mama Proud. She smiles and heads off for the day.
I have typed away about how I am going to be turning my life around and putting my priorities in order. The excess would be falling off the edges and that was ok.
Well, I am not feeling that positive today. I am second guessing myself left and right.
I spent every last cent on a car that is just a headache. It has problems and I just see 2 years of payments and repairs until I can trade it in for another piece of shit. I decided the other day I needed to pack an emergency kit for when I break down. What if it is cold? What if I have the kids? What if I am far from home? So blanket, flashlight, car charger for cell, food and maybe a spare $20. What the fuck.
I have not been able to build any savings back up and overspent last week while Christmas shopping, forgetting a few normal expenses so now I have the cash in my pocket and still don't feel confident about what is under my tree. That means I will be out next weekend tying up a few loose ends. STRESS.
During this lovely time I have been reduced to not answering my phone if I don't recognize the number, my home phone is just turned off together. I feel like a criminal.
Today I received a phone call from my insurance company. It seems that after my car was repossessed the bank has filed a claim for damage to the car. Fucking really? As I search my brain I remember way back when my Ex was driving and returned my car with the door and front quarter panel damaged from when the door was over-extended, like folded back. He fixed it mechanically but we never got the cosmetic damage fixed as it would have been our deductible. This would be the 3rd time my car was damaged, not fixed and not caused by me.
Place another band aid on my life.
I have 10 days until Christmas and then I have to get my ass in gear. I have some legal expenses that need to be taken care of and then I need to find a place to live. The reasonable places in the area I want to live seem to be drying up. $1500+ a month just isn't in the cards.
In the typing of this I have come to the conclusion that I just feel like I am turning into trailer park trash. I know I am doing it for the kids and to make our lives better but I just see our lives unraveling.
At the end of the day I want to make myself proud.
I am just not feeling it.
By next Summer I see myself driving a $500 car, living in a trailer and working at Stop and Shop.
I really want better.
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