Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Lists.....

I hate to talk shit. If I say it I usually will work myself to death to do what I say as I do not like to let people down and not follow thru on my word. That being said I find myself just not making statements anymore. This is the best way to avoid the fact that I am not finishing what I started. I am sick of feeling like a failure
I don't want to be one of those people that talks about things they are going to do for 10 years but never get up and work on it. I, on the other hand, have a list that almost seems like quicksand, as fast as I paddle the lower I sink.
For me that includes:
Losing weight
Eating better
Helping my kids eat better
Drink more water
Running
Exercise of any kind on a regular basis
Cleaning my basement
Cleaning my garage
Keeping my house clean
Planting a garden
Painting the trim on my house
Saving money
Getting some bills paid off
I will quit now as I am starting to feel nauseous. See all these things that I want to do but don't. It's a wonder I feel like a piece of shit on a regular basis. I feel like I am failing at all of these things plus more.
This is going to sound lame I know but last night I watched one of the last episodes of The Biggest Loser. I don't usually watch this show but I was folding laundry and cleaning and it was on. It turned out to be inspiring. They were down to the final 4 and everyone had had a makeover and were all muscles and thin but that wasn't it. After each person went home they sent them a DVD which showed where they had started and a few milestones along the way-weight goals reached, exercise completed that they could never do in the past. The thing that got to me, they spoke to themselves. They also seemed surprised so I am assuming after being taped for 5 months you forget all the crap you have said in front of the camera. They spoke to themselves about always remembering where you came from, never returning to this place again and be proud of yourself for all that you do conquer.
I wish I had done that. I did the next best thing I could. I hung 3 pictures of myself pre-surgery on the wall where I would see them everyday when I get dressed. I did that, remember.
So I thought to myself, only I can conquer my list or just as important-cross it off the list and let myself off the hook. Both of these things will be equally difficult for me.
As I folded laundry I got ready for today. Clothes for work, clothes for running and clothes for afterwork so we can go the the kids Art show at school.
Alarm set-5:45
Do I want to be a runner? Sometimes, but it takes work and an angry alarm clock going off too early in the morning.
I did it, for today. Left a note on the counter to remind the girls that my bed was empty because I was out running and I would see them soon.
One day at a time right?
The only thing that should be on my list-Work on loving myself for what I have done, not hating myself for things I have not.

1 comment:

Barry said...

Right there with you and a post I really needed to read right about now. I was at the bike shop on Monday with some friends, one of whom was there to buy a new bike. I looked at the road bikes (and the price tags) and the cycling outfits (and the price tags) and thought "why can't I do this???" People at work do it. Other friends do it. I want to do more. I want to not have the fear. Fear of failure. Fear of getting hurt. Fear of drowning. I'm tired of being afraid. I just let it go thinking about the money to buy the bike and buy the gear and buy the swimming lessons.

I have a single dollar in my wallet that needs to last me until the 27th, so this is a bad time to think about adding to my "want to do list", but I want to do it. I don't know how. So I drown in my fear.

Race Results

09/07/07 Main Street Mile 11:44
05/18/08 YPD 5k 52:57 17:05
06/14/08 Walpole Village 5K 35:27 11:26
06/21/08 Mashpee Fun Run 34:21 11:05
07/19/08 Mashpee Woodlands 36.49 11:52
08/10/08 Falmouth Road Race 1:29:31
08/25/08 Women Running Wild 35:40 11:30
10/25/08 Mashpee Firefighters 37:47 12:10
05/02/09 Cape Abilities 5K 34:59 11:17
05/17/09 YPD 5K 36:41 11:50
08/09/09 Falmouth Road Race 7mi 1:37
10/31/09 Mashpee Firefighters 5K 37:15 12:00
09/11/11 Main Street Mile 12:31
10/29/11 Screech to the Beach 5K 39.13 12:20
08/12/12 Falmouth Road Race 1:34:24 13:29
05/18/14 YPD 5k 44.25 14:17
06/1/14 June Jog 4mi 1:04 16:00
08/17/14 Falmouth Road Race 1:42:04 14:35
09/27/14 Girly Girl 5K 37:24 12:02
10/26/14 Pell Bridge Run 4mi 48:41 12:10
11/27/14 Turkey Trot in VA 5K 35:22 11:23
12/06/14 Jingle Jog 5K 34:42 11:11
03/29/15 Thomas Guinta Memorial 5K 34:14 11:03
04/19/15 St. Margaret's 5K 31:11 10:21
05/17/15 YPD Blues 5K 34:58 11:17
06/07/15 Newport 10 Miler 1:56:09 11:36
06/20/15 Mackenzie's 5K 33:55 10:54
08/17/14 Falmouth Road Race 1:33:51 13:24
10/31/15 Screech at the Beach 36:19 11:40