Choking down some Holiday Cheer

Friday was the day, we needed to get our tree so it could warm up and be ready for all our ornaments. We headed to Mahoney's because they have the best decorations and I just love a giant greenhouse full of Poinsettia. They had to see the fish of course and I was thrilled to see this beautiful Christmas display built on a platform which was built over half the pond in their entry way.

My Princess girls of course fell in love with the jazzed up Poinsettia in crazy colors and covered in glitter. They must get the glitter thing from their Auntie Bonnie because it isn't from me. We were able to secure a small but lovable tree which we happily decorated while carols played on Sunday. I think they did a great job of decorating.

I myself am not having it this year. I have spent all of my money on the kids so they will have an awesome Christmas and I have not bought a thing for anyone else. I am a little stressed out about that but what can I do. I can't make money grow on trees right now and if people don't get a present from us and have a problem with it they aren't people we need in our life anyway. I am now in the "I have no idea what to buy" stage and that is the most stressful. I don't want to just buy anything and I have minimal funds with a couple of important people left. Jeesh!

I am also going through the "1st Christmas alone" thing in the background. I didn't even know I was until recently. I started to avoid all Christmas, did all my shopping in one day and put off decorating until the girls asked. When I had no choice but to proceed I realized I was angry and tired of it all. I stuff things down so well that when they escape like a bad fart I am embarrassed. I don't like emotion. I don't want to explain tears. I want my armour to stay intact. When this happens I have to explain, then listen to people tell me how better off I am and then I am defending myself. See, all stuff I wish to avoid.

It is not about the person it is about the........stuff of life. People don't get that. It isn't him, it is just somebody. No red wrapped cutesy, naughty or private joke kind of presents under the tree to or from me. I know, someday. God, I can have both sides of this conversation in my head. I have heard it all but if I don't go through it I can't get better, move on and change to find the person I want in my life. A better person who deserves naughty presents next year...  ;-)

So next year is the year, the year to make changes. Be a best person for myself and the other things will hopefully fall into place in that wake.

I hope all of your Holiday plans are full of love, laughter and frosting!!