I am feeling like I need a break. I am sorry to the people who maybe trying to reach out to me but I go through periods where I need to be in a cave and re-coop. I have a smile on and I keep doing the day to day grind that needs to be done because there isn't another option. My safety net has always been to be busy. It is the quiet times that kill me. I just noticed today that I am wearing my iPod all the time now and on full blast. It blocks out the world. I wore it into the grocery store even. It prevents me from talking to you and you talking to me. I guess it is the cave I am seeking but in the real world.It is another step I am being told. I hate all these steps. Please produce a plan with steps 1,2,3 so I can do them, check them off my list and move on keeping my crazy thoughts, tears and these emotions still safely tucked away. I like it better that way.
It appears that others are moving on through life without this much pain and that hurts as well. I don't want you to tell me about their pain, the reasons behind it or yours for that matter, today I don't really care. I should apologize for saying that but I am not. I don't care. I have a heavy load myself and am just too tired to help carry yours. I also don't want any help with my shit now that I have made that statement-I am stomping my feet and saying "leave me alone."
I guess I have come to a fork in the road and I am looking up each path trying to decide which way to go. The easy way is to lower my expectations and keep doing what seems to be hurting me and keeping me from improving myself on the inside, the other road is dark, scary and making me look deep inside myself for what I really want in life. I never thought I would have this choice but here it is.
God, I am scared. Am I strong enough?
Step one is saying Good Bye to the past. I am not sure I can do it but it is necessary. I want so much more for my life and I will be denying myself that chance by continuing on this road. I have looked and looked and looked for the things I have done wrong, as usual ready to take all the blame, when I am beginning to think it is just a bad mix of your issues and mine. I did this already and not looking to do it again. Should it really be this much work? Have I watched too many Disney princess movies to think life can be happy and free and easy? Because I am sorry I want that princess crap.
This is going to be read by a few on my friends but more importantly it was read by me-over and over and over again. It is my life, my journey.
Back to my gardening therapy.
Good Bye.
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