1st let me say Thanks for the emails and comments but I guess I wasn't clear-I will continue to blog -I am addicted to it. I am sometimes doing things and think " Oh, we need some pics so I can blog about this later." Crazy, I know. I have dropped the other drama sites. I may be back, I may not but we will see. I hate to miss events and things posted but what did people do in olden times??? They managed-so the pony express will have to bring my High School Re-union invite.
I have been going up and down lately like an old wooden roller coaster. I found some time this past weekend to get back to my garden. Weed Therapy has worked wonders for me through this shit hole of a change I am working on. I find I have no patience for this long term thing. I want to rip off the band aid, say suck it up and move on. Let's stuff the pain way back and move on folks, we have no time for that. That is just not working for this issue.
I have decided the perfect analogy for my life right now is having braces. When this first happened it hurt-A LOT, then it got better and I could see some changes but only minor. I began to think-I can do this, this will be easy because we have been talking about divorce for ever. He left, I took him off all my accounts and packed the remainder of his things in my room and POOF he was gone. Right?.....that was just the beginning. See then you go back to the dentist and what does he do? He cranks those braces a little tighter and you get a tear in your eye and you go home to nurse the new ache. This continues for a long time and sometimes you think-I am not going back for that adjustment it just hurts too much but that is not an option. The braces are on and the cranking seems to happen whether you like it or not.
I begin to think this is going to me make a better person in the end right? But who really knows what they are going to end up looking like when the braces come off. Some people are beautiful and they have the most radiant smile you have ever seen and some people looked better before all those changes.
I am not going to be the same person I was before this started. I am feeling the changes already. Some of it is a return to a person I used to be but some of it is a different person than I know. It is a scary place to be. I used to have what I thought was a crazy life but it was in a safe rut. Work, family, house, repeat. Now I have no idea what the hell I am doing. Work was a way to escape, I worked 4000 hrs and welcomed it. Now I can't stand to be here. I am back tonight for an hour and I am already ready to be off but it is the start of a new week. I need this job, my family needs this job but I have had enough of it. My bullshit tank is full, Thank You very much.
It may be that all the swill of last week occurred while I was here or the idle time on my hands. See at home I can bury myself in the yard work, laundry, etc and then I go into a funk and I do nothing.
I have to admit today I am beginning to feel OK again, like I may be on the upswing . My fridge got deep cleaned, my room is clean and my garden is weeded.
But the real fear lies in the wait for the shit to hit the fan again. I am almost too afraid to enjoy the good for fear of the deep pain that will inevitably be coming.
I think right now I would rather have real braces put on.