That is what Julie says and I think it fits. She says that I am working though my layers and my spirit guides say I am doing a good job.Then why don't I feel that way. I have loosened up on my maniacal cleaning but now I look around and see a dirty house and feel lazy. Earl has been letting me sleep late while he was out of work over the Holiday and I actually feel worse instead of better.
I know how to march on and mechanically fulfill my responsibilities with little sleep, too much caffeine and no feeling. As I start to try to do things better for myself I feel more vulnerable and it is harder for me to deal with some things in life.
I also realize that I am blogging less which used to be a good thing for me. I think this is happening for a couple of reasons:
1. I used to blog about all our our crazy escapades. We just don't have that many any more. Some of it is that I don't have the money to do 100 mile trips for the day and tickets to all these events like we used to do. Some of it is that I just don't want to anymore. I would rather open the garage and watch them ride bikes and jump on the trampoline until they giggle their butts off or Ava beats Olivia up. This just doesn't seem exciting enough to blog about. Gee, want to see the laundry I folded today - read today's Blog Post.
2. I also can't seem to understand some of what is happening in my head. I want to put it into words so I can help myself work through it but even now as I type I feel like I am rambling in circles. I am finding that I am more angry than I want to be. I am more easily aggravated when I start to feel overloaded. It is like my tolerance for it is just lower. Just the other day plans started to change that were going to make my life complicated and I just felt like flipping. I want to cross my arms, pout and say " I am not doing it!"
Does that make sense?
I guess after a life of doing things I feel like I have to do I am finally getting to the point where I just don't have the room to carry anything else and I am stomping my foot and not doing it anymore.
I took off a few days this month, which I haven't done in a while. I have plans that involve me and my friends, which I haven't done in a while either. I also just don't have many plans right now. That may sound easy for most but not for me. How to deal with the boredom and monotony of life without a full calender? I have been told I am addicted to a full calender. I did some Christmas shopping over the weekend and I realized I like the crazy on the go feeling but then my family and home suffers. How to detox from the crazy life? I want a normal low key life but thrive on chaos I guess.
You can't peel an onion without some tears right?
1 comment:
But you don't stink.
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