I missed my regular day at the gym yesterday as Ava had a day off from school and Olivia was on a half day. I did get some time visiting a friend that I don't see enough so it was all good.
Today I headed out right from the bus stop. If the weather is decent I walk there as it cuts out the need for a warm up. See I am the queen of maximizing my time to fit in 10,000 more things to do in one day. Kind of my downfall.
While using a machine that I HATE(!!!), one of the trainers comes by and says you aren't doing that right. He stops to explain and I tell him I am on this machine for 3 different settings 2 sets of 8 and I HATE it. What? is his response. Come with me. He takes me to the basement-UGH! This is where real people workout and there are weights and scary equipment. He shows me a few things which I immediately can tell a difference with. Am I turning into a gym person?
After a few minutes a couple showed up for their appointment and he was off to help them but not before he gave me his business card and told me to call him and he would help me set up a plan.
Did I just exercise in front of a boy?
Was I not scared?
Was I actually doing something that looked like a push up?
I can not believe it. After the weights I headed out on the road for a 2 mile run.
While running I got to thinking about how much I have changed. I am hard on myself and think I should be running farther and faster and better. When I see any of my times for a race I just cringe and usually curse at myself. When I ran across the finish line of the Road Race this year I swore out loud at myself. I should have kept up my running thru the Summer, I should have done better, I should not feel like I am going to die.I forget that 3 years ago I was winded when carrying laundry up from the basement, my back bothered me most of the time and I just didn't feel comfortable in situations with normal people. I see how fat people get looked at now that I "blend in" and I always had that in my mind when I was in social situations before. I mean really, would anyone have even approached me at the gym and offered help when I was a giant round person?Probably not. So not only am I going to be working my body this Winter I plan on working my mind. I am not sure how I can get this crap to stop playing in my head because when I say I am OK with my accomplishments it is usually a lie. I guess I am going to keep saying the positive until I believe it.
So today I did walk the 1 big hill by the cranberry bog but ran the rest and I am happy with that. I want to keep up the outside running as often as the weather allows as it is so much better than the treadmill and soon enough that is all I will be doing.
For some reason a crazy friend of mine has suggested we get together a team to run the Cape Code Marathon next year (October 2010) and I am actually thinking it is do-able. We can have up to 5 members and each leg varies from 3.1 miles to 6.2 miles. After thinking he is a nut-job I started to think-I do run the Falmouth Road Race and that is 7 miles. I did join the gym so I wouldn't have to quit running during the Winter only to try to restart running in the Spring. So why not. The sign up deadline is June so I figure I can see how the Winter goes and decide in the early Spring if I am still consistently running.
This post started out in 1 direction and ended up all over the map. I lost this weight 2 years ago and for some reason it seems like I am just starting to work on the brain part of it. Strange.
Hey it is in the Blog title-If you come here to read you need to expect anything from my Kookie and crazy brain.
4 comments:
I am afraid of the gym because of the boys too. And the girls. I do enjoy it, but get to looking at the tiny little plates on the bars I am lifting, or the small size of the dumbbells I am using compared to the other guys/gals in the gym. BIG BIG mistake. And I do the same thing with running. "Wow, I wish I had those thighs, I could probably run better/longer/faster". We're our own worst enemies, but we can overcome. We're not there to win, right?
You've come so far and I want to see you do whatever it is you set out to do.
And, I am a nut job. :) But I think it might be worth trying to make CCM happen.
Foose, this was a wonderful post! You shared alot of insight into what goes on inside... I remember telling you that I gave up doing the road races cause I felt like I was competing with the times and you guys and I just am not a time runner. I can run for ever (well thats an exageration!) but I can't do it in "Time" and I was losing my self confidence by trying to run with the big boys!! I am a bit more confident now that I run with a friend on thursday mornings but still am "shy" with time! I just have to remember that two years ago I was smoking a pack a day and COULDN'T run for long!! SO keep doing what you are doing,cause you've come a long way, baby!!! (sorry if I hijacked your comments!)
The thing I admire most about you is your determination.
I believe that we all have those negative thoughts running around in our heads. I think that's normal, besides I don't know ONE person who exudes confidence and doesn't "what if" their own performances. I was last out of our group at the last 5K(OUCH!) but I was still there, moving and grooving and trying my best to not be mad at myself. I just say, "OK...next time it'll be better or possibly worse" and I'm alright with that. I'm just so happy to be capable of trying and to have friends along for the experience :-)
Does that make any sense?
Keep up the good work Foose, you inspire me and I'm proud of you...as I'm eating your dust in those 5Ks.
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